Personality Quiz: Comedic Personality 4.0

1

Pick the funniest one
- I like a cold because I get to do my favorite drug, which is NyQuil. I love that stuff. What do the rest of you use? Robitussin? Robitussin, why do you bother? Non-narcotic sissy pansy bullshit! NyQuil's the best thing I've ever read on a medicine package, '180 Proof.' It's the moonshine of medicine. You can buy it on a holiday! When I got a cold, I want something that's gonna fu*ck me up! Cause that way the blur seems interesting.
- I read a thing that actually says that speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. I found that amazing - number two was death! That means to the average person if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.
- I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed' 2
2

Pick it
- I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole other room in there. There's a guy that looks just like me in there."But the parakeet would fall for this. I'd let him out of his cage, he'd fly right into the mirror. And I'd always think, "Even if he thinks the mirror is another room, why doesn't he at least try to avoid hitting the other parakeet?"
- I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, "I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else." And I said, "I am."
- What does the word 'meteorologist' mean in English? It means 'liar.'
3

Choose
- If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes, or act juicy
- I'd rather go ice fishing, which is the dumbest thing a man can do. You're sitting essentially in an out house and its 30 below. You've cut a hole in the ice, and you're fishing for fish that you shouldn't eat, ‘cause any fish that is down there is f-cking stupid.
- I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word "ambulance" was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance. And I thought, "Well, isn't that clever." I look in the rear-view mirror, I can read the word "ambulance" behind me. Of course while you're reading, you don't see where you're going, you crash, you need an ambulance. I think they're trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch.
4

The Funniest
- They say that New Zealand's beautiful, and I don't know because after 22 hours on a plane, any land mass would be beautiful. We could have landed on a tiny iceberg, and there could have been just two penguins blowing each other; And I would have been thrilled to see them. hell, I would have performed too.
- I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater
- My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.
5

One
- The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
- They've gotta stop reporting wind chill. That's nonsense. It really is. I don't know where they came up with it, why they came up with it, but it's a lie. They come on, 'well, it's 27 degrees today, but with the wind chill, it's minus 3.' ... well, then it's minus 3, ashole! I don't need to know what the weather was like if the conditions were perfect!
- I think vests are all about protection. You know what I mean? Like a lifevest protects you from drowning and bulletproof vests protect you from getting shot and the sweatervest protects you from pretty girls. Leave me alone. Can't you see I'm cold just right here??
6

Go ahead
- Half way through the winter I decided I didn't want to be a comic anymore. I wanted to be a bear, because bears are more evolved. It gets cold and what does the bear do? 'Well, I'm goin' to bed! This blows!' And then it gets warm again and he goes, 'Well, f-ck it. Time to wake up.'
- Even though IRS kind of sounds like Toys R Us, they're not fun people. There are things they could do to liven up the audit. I think they should put all the receipts in one of those big sweepstakes drums, you know, crank it around like you might win something. Then they can pull them out one by one and go, "Oh, I'm sorry. There's another illegal deduction. But we do have some lovely parting gifts for you -- jail."
- The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
7

choose 'em
- Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?
- This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today - you know who you are.... and when I find you I am going to kill you.
- Saying I'm sorry is the same as saying I apologize. Except at a funeral
8

its not hard
- I like parties, but I don't like pinatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its assss. What I'm trying to say is, don't make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.
- So last winter, I'd be in the Midwest, and the blizzard would hit, and then I'd fly home...AND THE BLIZZARD WOULD HIT AGAIN!!!
- Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
9

In fact its easy
- I was watchin' the Weather Channel because I was gonna fly down south and Hurricane Floyd was out in the Caribbean, and so this is what they said. The information, they said that Hurricane Floyd would be hitting the coast of the United States in five days, and that it would hit somewhere... somewhere between Miami ... and New England. Why did they bother? Why, why the f-ck open your mouth? Why not just, 'Okay. Hurricane Floyd's is comin' and um... we're gonna go to a commercial.'
- You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."
- When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws. Only catapults.
10

LAST ONE
- think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: Hope I don't get chased today. Be nice to people in sneakers.
- NyQuil comes in two colors, red and green. It's the only thing on the planet that tastes like...red and green. And red and green are what? Christmas colors! That's right, NyQuil makes a dandy eggnog. Oh yeah, my friends bitched through the whole party, 'This tastes like shit!' But at the end of it, we had a fun sleepover.
- To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the top of the box.
11

Everyone is different, and so are their answers. What is your:
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Comedic Personality 4.0

Pick the funniest one

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One

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its not hard

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LAST ONE

Everyone is different, and so are their answers. What is your:

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