Ultimate Comedic Personality Quiz 1.0 (very long)

276 Responses | Created by why_so_serious_

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havent made a quiz in a while
this one took about 3 hours to make
this one is ultimate though
takes about 30 mins to take
the rules are the same
pick the funniest one

1

Pick the funniest
- If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.
- People are starving all over the world, what do you mean, "red meat will kill you"? Don't eat no red meat? No, don't eat no green meat … if you're one of the chosen few people in the world lucky enough to get your hands on a steak, bite the sh!t out of it!
- "I could be the first black president. I mean I don't think anyone would hurt me; some people might want to hurt me, but I don't think they'd touch me. Because my vice president would be Mexican for a little "insurance." I mean you can shoot me, but you're just gonna open up the border."
- None of them
2

Pick the funniest
- You moon the wrong person at an office party, and suddenly you're not "professional" any more.
- I read a thing that actually says that speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. I found that amazing - number two was death! That means to the average person if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.
- When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws. Only catapults.
- None of them
3

Pick the funniest
- Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?
- I'd be scared to call 911 for anything, even a fire. Cause they tape those phone calls and then play them on the news. Thats messed up. a day. I mean what if I get killed? I'm dead and can't explain myself to my buddies. It be like 'Hello, emergency?' 'Help! Help motherfucker, they comin to get me!' 'Just calm down, sir. Where are you?' 'Oh...oh I sh!t on myself. I can't stop crying.' They'd play that sh!t 30 or 40 times a day.
- A few weeks ago, sitting in traffic -- bumper-to-bumper traffic in Atlanta -- the car in front of me has got a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you love Jesus". I toot the horn a couple times, and the guy flipped me off.
- None of them
4

Pick the funniest
- I was literally cheated on...I woke up and they were on top of me.
- You know, some diseases they just gave up on treating. Like blindness, you go to the doctor 'Doc i'm blind, what you got for me?' 'Well why dont you take this dog and let him drag your blind asss around town'. 'thats all you got for me is a damn dog? if i could see i would whoop your asss'
- I like parties, but I don’t like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there’s a donkey with some pizzazz. Let’s kick its asss. What I’m trying to say is, don’t make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.
- None of them
5

Pick the funniest
- I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.
- I saw this on CNN a few days ago. In Florida these cops freaked out. They shot at this guy 11 times 'cause they said he was holding a grenade.THE GUY WAS EATING A PEAR!! How do you SCREW that up? Unless he was eating it like "AHHHHHH!" throws pear "THAT'S A DELICIOUS PEAR!!!"
- The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.
- None of them
6

Pick the funniest
- I'm going to put my foot down, I'm going to make a stand right now, I'm going to say this, Watermelon is the only good flavor of Jolly Rancher Candies. I will say that. Thank you for agreeing with me. If you say sour apple I will stab you in the jaw. Sour Apple sucks. If you believe that sour apple is good you meet me in the lobby after the show, I'll be the guy stabbing jaws. Come up to say hello and I will stab you in the jaw.
- Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
- I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly. "Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned?" "Yeah, I did, and you know what - that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!"
- None of them
7

Pick the funniest
- You know you must be doing something right if old people like you.
- You don't pay taxes - they take taxes. That's not a payment, that's a jack. You get your check, money gone.
- Have you ever been in a relationship You're with someone for like 2 weeks in and you're like, "F-ck, no way. I can't stand this person. I'll stay around for 5-6 years and we can end this thing violently, I got time.
- None of them
8

Pick the funniest
- Whatever cleaning goes on on the planet, women do 99% of it. But women are not as proud of their 99% as men are of our 1. We clean something up, we're gonna talk about it all year long. It might even be on the news. A woman could be out re-paving the driveway. Men will actually get up, go outside and say, "Hey baby, it's hot as hell out here! Look, don't worry about emptyin' that ashtray in the den, I done got it, all right? Did it for you. I'm gonna take a nap now."
- Somebody broke into my house once, this is a good time to call the police, but mm mm, nope. The house was too nice. It was a real nice house, but they'd never believe i lived in it. They'd be like 'He's still here!
- Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders. And even if you got shot, you wouldn't have to go to a doctor, whoever shot you would take their bullet back.
- None of them
9

Pick the funniest
- If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.
- About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like ‘Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.’
- Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? You put on something from the cleaners, they'll spit up just like that. My wardrobe looks like we have condors living in our yard.
- None of them
10

Pick the funniest
- You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'D!ck', and 'Colon.' Need I say more
- I think vests are all about protection. You know what I mean? Like a lifevest protects you from drowning and bulletproof vests protect you from getting shot and the sweatervest protects you from pretty girls.
- Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this. Dammit...I did it again. Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh...oh, God, this is so embarrassing...I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They're in this big ashtray by the front door. I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them."
- None of them
11

Pick the funniest
- How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?
- Wouldn't it be awesome just to come home and know that somewhere in your place there's a monkey you're gonna battle?
- If you own a home that is mobile, and fourteen cars that aren't, you might be a redneck
- None of them
12

Pick the funniest
- I don't want the money. I don't want the drama. I just want to do my show. I want to have fun again.
- I was going to stay overnight at my friend's house - he said, "you'll have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity! You don't know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall.
- If you've ever been antique shopping during a big football game, you're either gay, or married.
- None of them
13

Pick the funniest
- I mean, they don't grade fathers. But if your daughter's a stripper, you f-cked up.
- I like the beach. I like to get there really early before everyone else shows up and take like thirty bottles with notes in them and throw them into the water. Then I wait for everyone to come to the beach and when someone goes to pick up one of the bottles, I go up behind them because when they open it there’s a note saying ‘I’m standing right behind you.’
- You know you can't please all the people all the time, and last night, all of those people were at my show.
- None of them
14

Pick the funniest
- Terrorists don't take black hostages. Thats the truth. I have yet to see one of us on the news reading a hostage letter. Like, 'Uh...they is treatin us good. Uh we are chillin and sh!t. I'd like to give a shout out to Ray-Ray an Big Steve and uh, send some Newports!'
- When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.
- My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.
- None of them
15

Pick the funniest
- Whenever I walk somewhere, and someone hands me a flyer, it's like they're telling me, "Here, you go throw this away."
- Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
- I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
- None of them
16

Pick the funniest
- This is one thing that happens thats funny. You know sometimes I'll be on a business call with some body, like a lawyer. And you know, my lawyers be white. And they'll be like 'Okay Dave, we're gonna close the deal. Is that okay with you?' I'll be like 'Yeah thats cool for me.' 'Great. Great. You have a good weekend, Dave.' I be like, 'Alrght you too man. Peace.' 'Uh...uhh alright. Bye bye.' They don't know what to say, right?"
- Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don't want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I'm talking about. Every club you go into, there's always some old guy. He ain't really old, just a little too old to be in the club.
- Hi, I'm a buck tooth and I love to be outside past the lips
- None of them
17

Pick the funniest
- If a kid calls his grandma "Mommy" and his mommy "Pam", he's going to jail!
- “The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.”
- I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So I lose." "Scissors cuts paper." "These are strips. This is not even paper. It's gonna take me forever to put this back together." "Paper covers rock." "Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks." There should be "Rock, Dynamite with a Cutable Wick, Scissors."
- None of them
18

Pick the funniest
- Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother -- you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.”
- I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide."
- Wow. ... That's a good question. ... Is `I don't know' an acceptable answer?
- None of them
19

Pick the funniest
- I'm not smoking crack. I'm definitely stressed out
- The government is basically parents for adults.
- I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat. Unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead.
- None of them
20

Pick the funniest
- I HATE it when somebody turns around in my driveway. You're just sitting comfortably watching T.V., you hear a car pulling up like "Who is this?!" It's so disruptive you look out, strange car, you dont know if it's a government official. You start getting concerned "What I dont know this car," then they turn to leave you're like "You son of a b!tch, you wasted moments of my life! Moments i will never get back!"
- Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies
- Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been givin' me lately
- None of them
21

Pick the funniest
- Even though IRS kind of sounds like Toys R Us, they're not fun people. There are things they could do to liven up the audit. I think they should put all the receipts in one of those big sweepstakes drums, you know, crank it around like you might win something. Then they can pull them out one by one and go, "Oh, I'm sorry. There's another illegal deduction. But we do have some lovely parting gifts for you -- jail."
- If you can't tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle, then you're fat.
- I played golf. I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell, "Fore!" I was too busy mumbling, "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him!"
- None of them

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Ultimate Comedic Personality Quiz 1.0 (very long)

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