Heart Burn

The rain was spitting at my face while I sprinted through the dark, the frost sliced my skin, and the frozen air had just begun to freeze my lungs—but I couldn’t stop, not now.
I had just received a call that he was dying, that the person I had fallen in love with was laying in his deathbed. I couldn’t stop.
The person that I had loved for years was now dying, and I wasn’t there to help him. There was no time left. I knew that I couldn’t reach him, that I wouldn’t see him alive after this, but I had to try.
I was at work typing away, thinking of visiting Damen at the hospital. He had gotten Polio, a sickness that took lives every hour. He had gotten sick after our vacation at the Caribbean Islands. I knew that is was the wrong time of year, he even told me, but I persisted. I was stubborn; I put the vacation first, in front of him, in front of us.
The dark streets stunned me. How could anyone even drive at this sort of hour? The only light was a few blocks up where the Mercy Hospital stood, where his life was ending.
Though my feet turned rubber, I finally reached the glass doors slamming them open. Pain shot through my wrist. The bright lights blinded me while the nurses chased after me.
I ran, I ran, and I ran.
“Ma’am!” the nurses shouted waving the arms. “You can’t go there!”
I cursed under my breath practically choking.
Mazes of doors were pressed in the walls—they were all closed, all sealed tight. Which was his? Where was his door?
I hated this place. The brown ceiling, the plain white walls, plain white floors, and white—everything, created an environment that surely told everyone “Come in, we’re ready for the next guest to die”.

After what seemed ten minutes a found an open door where I heard loud and anxious voices. “We’re losing him!” a man shouted.
My legs jerked to a stop, letting my head to turn, my feet to change direction, and for my brain to catch up. There he was!
The peach-skinned man that I loved wasn’t there. In his place was a pale, cold-skinned person that clearly looked like he didn’t make it.
“Damen!” I screamed pushing the nurse into a metal table. “Damen I’m here!”
His head turned slightly but he didn’t open his eyes.
I ran to his side taking his cold palm I mine. I rubbed his skin gently trying to get some warmth back. “Please, open your eyes look at me!” I ordered. I knew he was trying but it occurred to me that he could hear me. I shook his face gently with my hands. “Damen!”
The moment I let go of his hand was the sound I feared most. The heart rate monitor droned on. There was no heartbeat, no sound of life.
“DAMEN!” I shook him harder. “Wake up!”
With tears in my eyes I kept fumbling with his breathing tube that took up his throat, I tried to make sure he had air, but it wasn’t the problem.
“Miss?” a man whispered. “He’s—”
“Not dead! I can feel that he’ll just open his eyes.”
There was hate, guilt, death, and fear stirring inside me. I was angry with the nurses. Why can’t they try at least? I kissed him repeatedly, but I could only taste the medicine off his frozen lips, it wasn’t the same. He can’t be gone, he can’t be.
“Please!” I shouted out. “Do something!”
I felt hands hold me up on my shoulders. They were dragging me away.
“No!” I cried. There were so many waves of tears on my face I couldn’t see him. Only a pale white person, it was so blurry.
“Calm down—“
“He’s dying he needs me! He’s not dead can’t you see it?”
I knew they were right; I could feel it in my heart that it was splitting, it cracked, and chipped like an old book. His face melted from my mind, but the feelings were the same. I wish he would just jump out of bed and wrap his arms around me. I wanted to see those bright green eyes again, to witness his smile, which glazed my veins.
“Please . . .” I pleaded silently. “Wake up.”

The winters, summers, springs, and falls just raced passed me. I couldn’t feel emotion, unless feeling empty is something. Why did he have to leave? Why did he leave me to stay in this cold world alone?

Time came for me to age. I could feel wrinkles on my face and my body slowed down. For twenty more years I never smiled, I couldn’t even think of leaving my home, and came a day where I became sick with ‘Croup’. It is when my throat was squeezing itself shut and only a special kind of medicine could really let the skin cells relax. However, soon came the time for my life to end, and all I really felt was closing my eyes and opening them into a bright world.

It didn’t hurt my eyes but it was so bright I thought I could go blind.
I stood on a silver sidewalk that led up into the white clouds. I felt light as if I could just jump right off and go flying.
“Diana,” a soft voice whispered.
I could remember that voice anywhere.
I turned to see Damen standing there. He wore pure white clothing, his skin was luminescent letting light absorb along with it, and his face was relaxed and happy.
“Damen!” I shouted running up to him.
Finally, there was the scene I wanted to happen twenty years ago. When he hugged me his warm skin tingled mine, and he smelled like rain and pine. The way he held me in his arms made me feel safe and secure.
“It’s about time!” I chirped squeezing his shoulders.
He lightly pushed me away. When I looked up, I could see a faint halo glowing over his golden hair. “No, you are not dead Diana. Thank goodness you aren’t. I’m just here to tell you that I have seen what happened after I left. I know you missed me, I know this, but you cannot let yourself slip like that.”
“What?” I gasped. My arms reluctantly grasped him tighter. “I am dead.”
It sounded strange for me to say that, but I don’t want to go back to that life breaking world, I wanted to be here were it was timeless.
“Please, promise me that you’ll try to survive. I don’t want you to spend your life waiting for death. It isn’t how it works. You know this.”
“I can’t!” I wanted to shout, but he had a way with words, even here. “I promise.” I murmured. I crossed my arms and didn’t make eye contact.
Damen hugged me tighter kissing my forehead. I melted right away, sobbing like a baby that just lost a pacifier. “I love you Diana and I’ll always be there with you—and I’ll be waiting here, once its time for us to meet again.”
I looked up and saw that he had tears in his eyes as well.
“I’ll never leave you.” He vowed kissing my lips so gently it felt like a breeze.
I closed my eyes hugging him tighter. “I love you too.”

“She’s back!” A loud voice yelled. It hurt my ears so I tried to go back to the bright quite world where Damen lived.
“Keep her heart beating!” another ordered.
As I heard the heart monitor speed up, I realized that I couldn’t fight life anymore. I knew that I would just have to live life even if it meant living it alone.
“Not alone . . .” a beautiful voice whispered.
“Not alone” I repeated inside my mind, “not alone”.