bait

The Collins family............. most people knew us as a fun, closely knit family that seemed to be always smiling. That day, their thoughts were proved wrong. Very, very wrong.
The room was filled with only sounds of sniffling, crying, sympathetic whispers. Their worried glances toward the back of the room seemed to never turn away.
Why our dad?! Why did our dad have to die?! I thought frantically, trying desperately to avoid my brothers unwavering stare. I turned my head away, so that my brother would not be worried, as silent tears rolled down my cheeks.
He can’t be gone already….he’s not gone! I thought stubbornly refusing to believe what had happened; Please don’t be….please…
My brother watched me for a moment, unsure of what to do. His green eyes burned with frustration as he turned to glare at the onlookers.
A soft sniffling sound behind him broke his gaze, as, despite myself, I started to sob quietly. His eyes softened immediately as he turned to me, and gave my shoulder a slight squeeze. He said softly,
“Hey, kiddo you ok?”
My soft sobbing only became more audible.
God damn it, I thought, I can’t stop crying, and its making him worried. I’m such a jerk………
He knelt down in front of me, and pushed my long black hair back out of my eyes. I leaned into the hand and glanced around to see if anyone was watching us. He looked back silently, and leaned forward.
“I’ll be right back okay, Billie?” he said gently in my ear.
“Just stay here. I’ll be back in a second. Ok?”
I nodded my head wordlessly, and watched a group of old women uncomfortably as they stared and whispered things I couldn’t hear, and preferred not to hear. He followed my eyes and listened quietly for a moment.
“Poor kids………”
“They’re so young…… it must be such a burden, on Chris especially….”
“Yes those boys are so close. He must be so worried. For their father to die so suddenly…”
Shut up! He’s not dead… he’s not d-dead! He can’t be... I covered my ears refusing to accept it. I wouldn’t. I just couldn’t...
Chris watched me silently and sighed heavily. Chris approached the women quietly, and said,
“I’m sorry, but could you please give us some privacy? He’s taking it really hard…..” He turned towards the front of the room, and added politely, “our mother is very distraught by this too…”
It was true. When she had heard the news, she just……. She stopped living, but kept a beating heart. I couldn’t stand it….
I looked towards the front of the room. Men and women, dressed in black with solemn looks, was all I saw. At least what I let myself see. In front of them sat a casket, a casket with…with m-my……..I couldn’t summon the courage to say it. I looked up and saw Chris walking back over to me. I need to accept it! I told myself. Accept it Billie, dad’s dead! Instead I blurted out,
“Where’s mom? I-I got to talk to her! You seen her, Chris?” I sounded stupid, even to myself.
He stared at me for a moment, probably thinking I was bit of a wreck. If he did, he hit the nail right on the head. He scratched his head, thinking, and said slowly,
“Yeah…….. I think so…. But, she’s up front…. Near the casket…...” He paused, waiting for me to become hysterical, probably.
I laughed a crazed, nervous laugh and looked at him like he was the crazy one.
“Casket? What casket? There’s no casket….. Right? No ones dead, right? Right?!” I started to panic.
People turned to stare. Chris gave them a dark glance and turned to me. His eyes searched mine for a moment. He turned and paced back and forth for a moment, his arms crossed. The expression on his face was blank. Finally he stopped and said,
“Billie, listen to me. I know losing dad was hard, but……” he shook his head again and let out an exasperated sigh, his eyes locked on mine.
“But you have to accept it! Billie, please, I’m telling you, you need to accept it! I’m sorry but pretending nothing happened isn’t going to-oh come on, don’t look at me like that, kid please…..”
I stared at him, a hurt, disbelieving look on my face. I looked towards the front of the room. I turned back to him and saw his face too was hurt, but his pleading, sympathetic eyes were the worst. He took a step towards me hesitantly. I took a step back, covering my face and sat on the ground, feeling myself start to tremble. I hugged my knees and looked at the ground.
Why can’t you just accept it? Stop hurting him. You’re being selfish! Just stop and accept it, you stupid, selfish jerk……
“Billie…….?” I looked up and saw Chris standing in front of me. He took another cautious step. I stood up quickly and tensed, my face reddening with shame. I was hurting him. I was always hurting him, god dammit……… I turned and ran, going anywhere but here.
“Billie, wait...” he called out to me, but his voice seemed very distant. I ignored it and kept running, running into the lonely darkness…….