Silent Sobs

“Don’t you dare cry,” my mother sobbed, holding my 6 year old sister, Tracy’s, limp body. I couldn’t listen to her. Tears framed my face, leaving it soaking wet. Even if Tracy was a roaring little monster since the age of 2, I still found some love for her deep down in my heart. The past year was tough. We haven’t ever had health care and since my mom never had a stable job, money either. Now Tracy was hit by a car and that doesn’t help...

"I’m so sorry! Is she hurt?” the driver screams as she stepped from her car and raced to my mother.

She just looked over and sighed “There is nothing you can do about it. She’s dead,” as a tear fell from my mother’s cheek.

I stared at Tracy’s body that my mother still clasped to her. Then everything finally hit me. My sister was dead, my mom still couldn’t hold down a job, and my family still lived on the streets. I got too over-whelmed and dashed to Finger Lakes National Forest (We were wandering the highways). Living in central New York has its advantages, but to me there are too many National Parks around.

Deep down in the forest I stopped. Finally the day had slipped into night. When the air was crisp and the sky was black I knew I was safe. Out here was my savior from the outside world. At night I always disappeared and my mother wouldn’t care. Here, I felt I could express my feelings. I could screech and no stranger could stare at me. I could weep, and nobody would pat my back and make pitiful attempts to bring me to comfort. I could talk about anything, just to the breeze. I could choke up and it wouldn’t matter. Nothing ever did in these tall giants that towered me.

Tears still flowed as I gazed into the lake up ahead. I approached and stared at the moonlight that seemed to dance, everlastingly, upon the glossy frame made of glory and water. I had never completely known how long I sat there, just watching the moon pass the small ripples and over the trees that reflected off of the deep, cold pool. The autumn gusts that ran from the trees and onto my bare skin sent a shiver through my spine. The dawn soon greeted me with a light show from the East. Pink, purple, orange and yellow showed upon the horizon, fading into the blue of the day.

Suddenly I remembered my mother. She was all alone, probably sleeping to the side of the road where I left her with tears dried to her face. I made a mad dash for the highway but branches stopped me short. I kept having to force myself to dodge and jump oncoming branches that got in my way. Finally I saw my mother. She was sitting in a trench that was filled up to her waist with mud and leaves. I don’t know how she got there and I’m not sure I will ever want to know after I saw the look on her face. She stared over at me with an expression full of hatred and pure disgust. That was the first and last time I dared to see her like that. She kept cussing words that I won’t dare to repeat and splashing in the filth until she began to shed tear after tear. Then she would do that all over again and again and again. It was terrifying. My mother had finally reached her limit. Yet she still pushed on.

“Mother! Mother!” I kept hollering, but she couldn’t hear me. She was a goner… I knew it all along, but never thought it would come so soon. I whispered a final goodbye and I left her there, for dead. I knew I couldn’t help. Tracy’s death, apparently had hit her the hardest.

I turned and rushed back into the forest where I had planned to live the rest of my life. I would sleep in the strong trees that surrounded me. I would bathe in the crystal clear lake. I would drink from the streams and eat nothing but the wild berries and nuts I could find. I would sit and pray I was dreaming. Let the tears flow from my eyes just to splash onto the dusty forest floor. Think about the days that my family was alive, well, and sane… Just to sit and hope I could live and forget all the world had cursed me with.

The next few hours seemed like days then years that would just pass me by and leave me to die alone, and cold. I sat, clinging to the branch of a towering oak. The sun rose high above the trees and met the sky. There it stood for the last few hours of my cruel, unforgiving, pathetic excuse for a life. The breeze had stopped and I jumped from the tree, landing on my feet. I slowly staggered towards the water, hoping all was not lost.

I gagged on my breath. My heart pounded, feeling like it was seeking to burst my chest open. The water hit my feet then retreated from the icy touch. My body nearly collapsed. I decided to lay down and see if I got better. I laid there I struggled for my breath and for my life. I knew I, like my mom, was marked for death. But mine was in these settling woods that I had forever considered home.

Finally my heart failed me. I guess from shock and poor living. I can still see my body laying there. My soul has not yet found peace. So I wander this world hoping to still forgive and forget. Forgive the driver who hit Tracy. Forgive my mother for meeting her snapping point. Forget the look on Tracy’s face as she wandered out into the street yesterday, but yesterday seemed like years ago. Years lost in time that can never be replaced. Forget my mother as she cussed out in that pool to meet her fate.

My lifeless body sits there as my mind wanders to see my mother. She is staggering towards the lake that I silently lay next to. She sees my body and screams so loud I bet the gods above could hear. Then she begins to wail and cry about a death of a lost child that happens to be her own. My mother has a goal in this world which is to forget the terrors of life. I bet that is the only reason she is still alive. I, on the other hand, still have a goal but mine is to just move in this world. Move in these woods until I find hope and can rest my soul after my life that had swept before my eyes.