Living Dead

Why am I doing this? Why am I choosing to throw away part of my life for these people? Those are the only coherent thoughts my mind could muster. After that, my mind went foggy as I threw back my head and felt the sting of my second shot of vodka that night slither down my throat. I slammed the bottle down on the table and held on to the edge so hard my hands ached. I closed my eyes tight because I knew if I kept them open I might be sick with dizziness. It sounded like I was hearing everything through a long tunnel; the loud pop music in the background, voices, hysterical laughing, and loudest of all, my own heart pumping wildly in my chest. I opened my eyes for just a moment and looked at some of my classmates and people I called friends. They were sitting around the table, staring back. They were laughing at me. I was their jester. I had to close my eyes again in an attempt to ease my feeling that were something like embarrassment, shame, and anger. It must be funny for them to watch me stumble. It must be hilarious to watch me kill myself from the inside out.
I didn't want to do this to myself, but the pressure was on and it somehow felt like it would be worth it. I actually felt somewhat happy. I was out of my body, floating so high up I knew nothing could hurt me. Not my demanding father. Not my abusive boyfriend. Not even the pain of having to watch my mom's life being slowly sucked out of her by cancer. None of that could reach me in this new safe place. Getting out of my reality felt great. I was a coward. I discovered I was not strong enough to get myself through the bad times so I could reach the good times that would make me feel so much higher than poisoning myself with alcohol could. Maybe I would never feel that natural high again. I would never feel truly alive because I choose to continue this. I would always be in my alternate reality, where I could never feel the pain of life fully, but in turn also never feel whole enough to completely feel the happiness that life could bring. I would choose to stay halfway between life and death. Even better for my audience and me, I begin to slip out of consciousness. Complete darkness and absence of thought takes over me. I'm safe here.