you find love when everything seems lost (part 17)

it was really when Jake and the other guy drove me home
the other guy gave me his jacket, so i could see how buff he is
i was too shy to ask his name, what was dumb of course
'now please tell me why the hell you did that' Jake asked me, kinda pissed
'i told you, i have nothing to live for, and i don't wanna live in pain when i can take the pain away' i said, crossing my arms. i didn't want to explain this any further
i turned my head away
'i'm Josh' the cute guy told me softly
i looked up, confused
he talked way to sweet for someone i just met
he just stared back, his dark brown eyes friendly and warm
after a few minutes Jake coughed and i looked away quickly

we stopped at my house, which was looking way too empthy
Jake got out the car and opened my door
'what are you doing?' i asked, alarmed
'you didn't really think we'd leave you alone after you tried to kill yourself, didn't you?' Josh said with a crooked smile
'i hoped you guys would' i mumbled
Jake and Josh just laughed and walked towards my house
i didn't follow
i didn't want them in my house
didn't want them to try to cheer me up
they car key was still in the car, i could grab it if i wanted
my hand grabbed the cold silver key and i quickly put it in the contact
the car started and i drove away
i couldn't help but laugh at the faces of Jake and Josh, although it should have scared me. i never saw anyone look like that; a face with no emotion, with blank eyes
they didn't even came after me
i shook away the thoughts of them and focused on the road that was infront of me
i already left Spoons a while ago, and it felt good to be free

~later that day~
the room of the motel i was in, was messy and ugly
but it wasn't expensive, and that was what i needed
i was so glad that i already packed some stuff, and had put them in the car already
because i didn't knew if my suicide would work, i was planning on just going away
in my bag were some clother, my money and stuff like a toothbrush and a razor blade
when i thought of that last thing, i got an idea
why suffer from all the pain, if you could split it and make it less?
i grabbed my razor blade and headed for the bathroom
i never tried to cut myself before, so i just sliced it over my wrist
i kept doing that, feeling no other pain
so i started pushing
and a little wave of pain hit me
i smiled, and continued. no way i was gonna stop now
blood began to spill on the floor and i was happy
not really happy of course, but just a weak reflection of it
i felt some tears drop as i continued to cut my wrist open, but i didn't care
this was the solution
this was my life now...