Bela Swan's Tragic Life-story

"Oooh, light! I see light!" that was the first thing I ever thought when I first came out of the womb. But of course I won't bore you with how much I cried afterwards, how many times I pooped or how many times I threw up in my dad's face. Oh no! I'll just tell you about the most important part about when I was a baby. I fell... From a skyscraper! A 250ft skyscraper and I fell on my head and developed brain damage. Well, why else do you think I act so beeping retarded?

So anyway, I am just going to skip my childhood all together and get on with the interesting bits before I met... goes all lovey eyes Aaaah! Edward Cullen! looks at ceiling and flickers eyelashes romantically Ahem, where was I? Oh yes! So the most interesting part of my life before smexy Edward was when I first fell in love. What, you thought I had never been in love before? Well you're wrong, and not too many people know this, but I used to be a... grits teeth Mud blood adolescent mage who was in love with some dude with red hair.

Still haven't guessed who I was yet? rolls eyes Man, and I thought I was stupid! I was Hermione in that little-known novel series called Harry Potter. What, why are you so surprised? Didn't you ever wonder why I look so much like Hermione? Well anyway, getting back to the plot... I was in love with some red-haired kid called... Umm, was it Roy? Yeah, that's-no! That's not it! I think it was Rick or something... Oh anyway! He was ugly and stuff and of course I have always fancied 'ugly' men, just look at Edward and Jacob.
I have to admit that I had a bit of a crush on that kid with the glasses too. What was his name? Henry? Oh whatever, it was ugly too anyhow and ugly is hawt for me!

So, you are probably wondering how I managed to change my name, change my appearance (slightly), my personality, my life story and my parents and become the pale little Bela Swan. Basically, I was trying out this new spell one day and it backfired, it cursed me to the emo life of Bela Swan. Not that it isn't so bad now of course cause I've got Edward... And he left me... In the woods... And I became emo... Again... A-and I wanted to die and... And besides all that it's been great! ...Besides being bitten, nearly dying like 100,000,000 times, getting pregnant in the 4th book and nearly dying again and then actually dying for real cause like, I become a vampire and stuff.
Yes, besides all that, it has been the most wonderful evah!

I'm sorry, am I going off plot? I should be talking about my emo life before Edward, shouldn't I? Yes, so... My life was emo as you know... Once I got a rash it itched and stuff... Oh, and once I caught malaria! Umm, what's malaria? Uh, its this disease right... Called malaria? And you catch it from... Malarians?

Oh anyway, that isn't important! So anyway, once I got a D+ for one of my English reports. A D+!!! That is the best grade I had ever had! Most of the time I would just get a so-so F or F-, but I felt really proud when I got a D+! I mean, how many people get a D+ in school? Exactly!
I am so smart! I don't even know why I have someone else writing this auto-bio for me. I should be typing it myself... Move over! No, don't write that, JUST MOVE OVER!!! ...4h y3z!!1!1 z0 n0w h3r3 1 4m typ1n my 0wn 4ut0 b10 s33 h0w sm4rt 1 4m?!?! 1 c4n typ3 z0 w311 c4nt 1/!??! w4t 1z t4t u s4y?!?!11/ u w4nt t0 typ3 my 4ut0 b10 f0r m3 4g41n m1zz d4rth pwn4g3?!?1 0h v3ry w311 1 4m p4y1ng u 1 zupp0s3

Okay, so tell them that you are writing my auto-bio for me again. Done it? Good, but I think I should be typing it myself because I am like, smarter than Alfred Frankenstein.
Now, let me tell you about something that was really epic in my life before vampirism...

To be continued (hopefully)