The Only Time I Actually Studied

So Mr. Green: not the cool one whom everyone liked because he told amazing stories and came up with the most immature jokes and actually made science fun; no the other Mr. Green, RN, the one who taught Pre-Nursing to middle schoolers as if we were med school students who stayed up until the early hours of the morning because we just HAD to get that degree!

The only problem was that we middle schoolers were just that: middle schoolers. We had no intention of staying up late to study for anyone's tests because we had more important things to do like go on AIM and MySpace and Facebook and Twitter (if it was around back then) and talk and text and hang out with friends and gossip and do all the normal things teenagers of that age do. But this test was different.

Mr. Green announced that the next day, he would be giving an oral exam in which we would be asked to recite the location and function of one of the many glands we learned about during his three-year reign, including the hormones it secreted and what those hormones did. But, we didn't know which gland he would ask us about, so we basically had to study all five glands, all five distinct locations in the human body, and all twenty or thirty hormones and functions, all in one night.

This marked the first time I had studied so hard for any test. I stayed up way past my bedtime reading up on glands instead of watching TV with the family. I recited what I could from memory on the walk to school. I read my notes during lunch. I drew a chart to map out which hormones belonged to which endocrine system. I learned the pancreas, liver, and kidneys to near perfection; all that was left was the pituitary gland.

The pea sized chunk of tissue, located at the base of the brain, separated into the anterior and posterior pituitary glands, secreted eight hormones alone. Six were produced in the anterior, and two in the posterior. They each contributed to growth, urination, or reproductive development, and the unregulated secretion of any of these hormones could lead to serious diseases, like diabetes, a disorder Mr. Green fed us since the first day of school in the sixth grade.

When I entered Mr. Green's room, I sense of calm fell over my nerves. I knew I was going to pass that test. I had studied like never before just to prove that I could survive Mr. Green like no other eighth grader could. I could do it because I had trained the most important muscle in the human body to pass this test. Nothing was going to stand in my way.

So when Mr. Green allowed us extra time to study, I nearly laughed at the pitiful sighs of relief uttered by my fellow classmates as they struggled to memorize those last tidbits of random information that they'd forget upon closing their notebooks. I opened my notes to the chart I had made the night before and began to review the knowledge that I had engraved into my brain. I was ready.

Sure enough, I was the first to be called. Mr. Green wore his most intimidating face as I walked slowly, dramatically to the front of the room. I turned and faced the class and waited for him to tell me to recite something about the pituitary gland or at least mention something meaningful about the pancreas.

"Tell us about the adrenal gland."

I froze. I didn't hear him correctly. He couldn't possibly have told me to dictate information about the ADRENAL gland? There was no way! I glanced at him, at the class, at the floor, at the nearby desks, at everything until I dredged up something I remembered from class a few days ago. I remembered that in the chart he showed us, it was orange. And triangular. And sat atop the kidneys. And produced adrenaline. The fight-or-flight hormone. Which was a defense mechanism. And did I mention it was near the kidneys?

The knowledge I spewed forth about the adrenal glands lasted no more than three minutes. I struggled to find more words, but the silence was unrelenting. I merely folded my hands and stared at the floor, waiting for someone to break the silence because I knew it wouldn't be me. Finally, Mr. Green asked me if that was all I had to say. I nodded slightly and glanced at him. He looked as if he wanted to tell me that I made him sick, but he merely said, "Take a seat," and, when I obeyed, called the next name. I lie my head down and almost cried.

C'est la vie.