A Lover Lost: A Lesbian Tragedy

She is dead. Those evergreen eyes will never again gaze with me on the pillow in the morning. That gentle breath will never again warm my neck with quiet whispers of endearment. Those soft warm lips will never again caress my collarbone with warm kisses in the moonlight. She is dead. I lost the girl I love because she could not love herself. She is gone. And now I am alone. But our story lives on. A story of two scared girls finding themselves in each other; a story of ecstasy and pain; and, of course, a story of love.
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I made the tough decision to go to school out of state. I left my friends, family, but most importantly Ryan, behind. If I hadn't had the horrible relationship with Ryan that I had, maybe things would have been different; maybe I would have gone to the local state university; maybe I would have met a nice guy there and fallen in love; maybe I would have had a life with the one that I loved. But I was emotionally abused; I was frequently tormented by Ryan; I was taken advantage of by that jerk. So, I packed up my entire life and ran away. I went to a random private school in the middle of a big city to keep me busy. And now, I am actually thankful for Ryan; because without him, I never would have met Sammi.
I sat quietly on my bed, staring blankly at the TV where images danced of happy couples talking and kissing; but this is not where my attention lied. Instead, with my arms crossed over my stomach, I remembered the nights when I was part of a happy couple talking and kissing. Even though there was more to my relationship with Ryan than the happy times, I preferred to only dwell on these sweet memories. I knew that I should have been out in the courtyard getting to know my future fellow students, but the shyness that once consumed me again crept into my life. While the TV played stories of love and loss I ran her fingers through my tangled red hair. I was still surprised by how quickly my hand found the end of the strands; the new cut only days old. This change was an attempt to shed my old skin and start of a new year, in a new place, with new people, and a new self. I was still so lost in the past that I didn’t notice I phone ringing until it was to late to pick up. Nate. Would I have even answered? I thought. Nate was quick to open up to me, and I loved it; but I was wary with what I felt comfortable sharing with him. As I stood to put my phone in my pocket I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I did a double take and finding my reflection again. Many found my plain features pretty; soft brown eyes, straight red hair, and smooth olive skin. But all that I saw in the mirror was a girl who was ugly. A girl who was hurt. A girl who was broken. A girl who, I thought, was destined to stay shattered at the bottom of the wall. Alone.
I was scared. At first I thought that I was scared of Sammi making me feel uncomfortable. I knew she was gay but I thought that I knew I wasn't. But looking back I realized that I was completely at ease with her; I was scared of falling in love with her. I had never been with a girl before, I thought I only liked guys, but I guess my track record with guys should have been a sign.
It was the beginning of our freshman year, neither of us knew anyone on campus so when we met we clung to each other, afraid to be alone in the new environment. The first time I saw her she was laughing with some guy. He looked at her like she was a piece of meat; juicy, tender, and there for him to eat; but she totally controlled the situation. Her long dark curls danced across her shoulders with chaotic perfection and her wild green eyes sparkled with mischief. She caught me staring and blood rushed to my face, but she smiled, shrugged the guy off, and glided toward me.
"Hey there beautiful," she said, the words dripping with confidence. "I'm Sammi," and she thrust a soft and strong hand at me.
"Um, hi. Jess," I muttered and weakly shook her hand. She smiled at me again and it made my stomach melt.
"Cute name. Cute shoes!" she exclaimed, causing me to blush even more.
"Uh, thanks," was all the response I could muster, looking down at my purple Chucks.
"So, that jerk was telling me that there is this all-freshman-dinner-thingy that we hafta go to, wanna go with me? I don’t want to walk in like a dear in the headlights," she laughed leaning onto the high-table I was standing by.
"Sure," I quickly responded with a little bit too much enthusiasm. I knew absolutely no one and she seemed kinda cool. She smiled at me, making me blush.
From then on we were inseparable. She was very open and loved to talk about...well everything. I loved to listen to her, the way that she spoke with her entire body. Anyone else would say that she talked too much and never let me get a word in, but I like not having to talk about my past and myself; it was very relieving.
"So, do you have a boyfriend?" she asked, one day.
"Um, not anymore," I mumbled avoiding her eyes by gazing up into the golden trees, resting my head against the brick wall behind us. I wasn't sure if I was ready to talk about Ryan yet. He put me through so much pain; I didn't know if I would ever be ready to talk about him. But instead of questioning me further --which was what I expected -- Sammi gently placed her hand on my shoulder to sooth me.
"It's ok, guys suck," she said this with such nonchalance that it brought a small smile to my face.
"Yeah, I guess they do, "I laughed, relaxing into her arm, allowing her to comfort me. We just sat there in the grass with our backs against the wall watching the sleepy campus on that cool fall morning.