PIck your favorite funny quotes all from wisdom boards

Please select all that apply.

• It's better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
• There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.
• Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
• I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me.
• I dream of a better tomorrow... where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned
• When I die, I want to die like my grandmother, who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car.
• I'm never wrong. I once thought I was wrong, turns out, I was mistaken.
• Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, BUT it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and slap the mother upside the head.
• No one will win the battle of the sexes, there is too much flirting with the enemy
• The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
• What do I do when I see someone EXTREMELY GORGEOUS? I STARE, I SMILE, AND WHEN I GET TIRED...I PUT THE MIRROR DOWN
• Last night I was looking at the stars and I wondered... where the heck's my ceiling!
• If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?!" inquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself
• Whoever said nothing was impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
• I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
• When life gives you lemons, make orange juice and leave the world wondering how the heck you did it.
• If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
• u wrote me a note and it said "n ss!w !" ...it didnt make sense till i turned it upside down!!
• When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the fire department generally uses water.
• Cry me a river, build me a bridge, and do us all a favor and jump off it.
• I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up your a**.
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice???
• "Before I criticize someone, I walk a mile in their shoes. That way, if they get angry, they are a mile away and barefoot."
• There is no such thing as a stupid question, just stupid people who ask questions.
• There are two words guys hate: Don't and Stop...Unless those words are spoken together.
• I am lost. I have gone to find myself, if I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.
• Never play leap frog with a unicorn
• "Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."
• Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. So let's get wasted and have the time of our lives!
• Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
• Reality is an illusion caused by a shortage of alcohol.
• People will believe anything if you whisper it.
• Sometimes my mind wanders; other times it leaves completely.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• My Imaginary Friend Thinks You Have Mental Problems.
• An old battleax of a woman said to Winston Churchill, "If you were my husband I would put poison in your tea.". Churchill's response, "Ma'am if you were my wife I would drink it.".
• I called your boyfriend gay...and he hit me with his purse.
• The mightiest of weapons is truth. And everyone knows you’re not permitted to enter a Government building with a weapon.
• my knight in shining armour turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil