Unloved

It's them times when i'm not out with mates, When i'm stuck indoors just sitting in my room maybe on my laptop speaking to people, I listen to music and it's then when i sit there and realise everything that's happened, You see.. i used to be in a relationship.. It lasted for nearly 10 months, We did everything together, Him and me.. But why does that matter, I don't love him anymore. My stomach sickens with the thought of him, It was never okay and we argued and well he didn't treat me right, He used to promise to come see me and never did.. He would of rather been with other girls than me.. Honestly everytime we were in bed together he used to go wild telling me i was the best, How he'd like me to take control , The things i used to do the lengths i went to.. All to make him happy but obviously not happy enough for he went off time and time again with other girls, He lied to me so many times and one day my love just turned into hate and i hated him for treating me like he did, All my friends told me how i could always do better, They told me how i was too good for him. But once you've fallen in love nothing else matters. Now, Things are different i don't care about him anymore for he never cared about me in the first place it seems i only mean something to him everytime i've left him but this time it's different it's been about 6 months now without him, Without seeing him.. Everytime i hear his name i feel sick i can't believe i lowered myself to that. I don't know why i end up having all these thoughts. There's a lot of boys out there that only want one thing from a girl and they'll mess around with your head thinking you like them so they can get their own way and now i've realised the hard way i realise these type of people. They are dirty and they make me feel hate, yes .. hate is a strong word it's why i use it and why i can say it so easy. I hate knowing that every boy that's ever told me they loved me ended up wanting to jump into bed with me and now no-one's getting their own way with me, I'm special.. I'm not going to keep going around from boy to boy, I want to mean something to someone.. I want.. I want to be loved.. But everytime i start feeling it again towards someone i know i have to get out there, I'm not risking have another one like my ex-boyfriend.. I've realised nothing lasts forever so why get into relationships we're born alone and we will eventually die alone so why not live alone.. It's much easier, yes i admit it gets lonely but you won't get lonely if you have your friends around you and of course your family, Can't go wrong there atleast... but everyday i go out i see couples in each others arms i see the smiles on their faces and i see in each of their eyes that they're in 'love' ... 'love' that incredible feeling which you can't explain.. When you sit there wondering what they're doing, Go out of your way to see them/talk to them and when you'd do whatever it takes to make them happy, I've let people walk out of my life who really cared about me because it seems i can't let someone love me.. There was this other boy.. he was older than me but he treated me right, He offered to buy me things, He took me out and he paid for me to go to the cinema and stuff.. He told me he'd fallen in love with me and the thought of it cringed of course i backed off straight away i couldn't risk being hurt again, Why would i even want to get into a relationship.. I'm only Fifteen .. I'm still young but so many things have ruined my life already, So many things/people haven't made it to my future for a reason, But this boy i started seeing him taking things slow and when he used to hold me and kiss me on my forehead i started to feel something which was quite alien to me, Something which i wasn't suppose to feel, I wasn't opening up to him let alone anyone.. So i realised i had to walk away and so i did... Then i got talking to another guy he worked and we went to the cinema again and for once i actually liked him.. Things went so well the whole night and when we kissed good night after he'd walked me home i felt a feeling from deep inside, Almost crying with happiness.. After everything i'd finally found someone i like again.. But then he decided to start ignoring me making excuses like he was so busy with work yet he could talk to me alot before.. And now he doesn't even bother talking to me first, It's always me that has to make the effort and NO. I give up, You see what i mean everytime i think i've found someone they end up being a total waste of time.. Sometimes it saddens me looking back to see how much i've been messed about without even realising, yeah i might of had my fair share of problems and yeah i might of broken a few too many peoples hearts perhaps i even crushed people down to the ground until they felt unloved.