you find love when everything seems lost (part 18) ~Read intro~

so much has happend
i dont even know how to tell someone
i tried to tell the police officer thats been asking me questions, but i broke down halfway
i hope that writing it down will help me to organise my thoughts

~one week after the first cutting~
so cold
i needed food
where was he?
the rain is so annoying! its making me wet and even colder
i was standing outside a store. i was waiting untill Chris would come back with some bread. he promised he'd be here today
i saw a bench and sat down, putting my head in my hands. no one needed me, no one even missed me
if they did, they would try to find me
i'm glad they didnt found me, because i didn't want to go back
but it was kinda sad that noone cared...
"hey, i got you some bread.. are you okay?" i looked up and saw Chris looking at me, not knowing what to do
i tried to smile a happy smile at him "yeah i'm fine, just cold and a fail of nature, thats all"
Chris sat down next to me "i'm so sorry, i dont know what to do. you've changed so much since the last time i saw you"
i looked at him "in a good or in a bad way?"
"i cant answer that one yet" he said, half smiling
i rolled with my eyes "anyways, thanks for the bread, i'm starving"
he looked at me, eyes full of concern "you dont look that great no"
i didnt answer, i just started eating
"i have to go, sorry Sam... but my break is over" he said, already standing up
"yeah go ahead, dont keep your boss waiting" i said, still eating
he walked away, shaking his head
Chris has grown up, he became taller, and more responsible
of course he's still a teenager inside, else he wouldnt steal bread for me
he was one of the best friends i had before i moved
and i'm glad those feelings didnt change

~later in the motel room~
the room seriously looked like a room even a pig wouldn't want to live in
the living room part was full of empty plates and bottles
the bathroom was gross and full of blood staines (i didnt stop the cutting)
and i'd rather not talk about the kitchen or the part where i sleep
but the owner liked me, so he didnt kick me out

i looked in my small mirror
i did change a lot
i used to have long dark hair
but i cut that so noone would see it was me
now it was much shorter and kinda messy
my eyes looked dull and lifeless. i cant desribe it any other way
they just stared back at me, like they didnt really saw me
and i was much slimmer, but more in a anorexic way
because i almost ran out of food

~in the car~
i didnt know where i went
just driving with no direction. i didn't had anywhere to go
i looked at the place i was driving to.. and hit the break
someone was in front of my car
he was tall
he had black hair
and he was angry
i gasped
josh had found me
"what the hell?!" he started yelling at me already
"SAM?! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!" i still didnt react
"DAMMIT!" he kicked my door
i opened it, glaring at him
"can you get out of my way?" i asked with the coldest voice i had
he looked startled but recovered himself quickly "no" was all he said
before i could close my door, he had grabbed my arm
"Sam.. never do that again. you made me sick with worry" he was way too close
"what are you talking about, you only saw me one time. now let go of my arm" i said, trying to break free"
"no, and one time was enough" was all he said
this was the first time i looked up to him
he looked at me, the same way he had looked at me when we were in the car. like he saw the sun for the first time
i blushed. i didnt like it when people looked at me like that
the next thing was totally unexpected
he kissed me. full on the mouth
first i didnt do anything. i was too shocked
my second reaction was anger: who did he think he was? he barely knew me!
and my third and last reaction was satisfaction. i didnt feel anything like this since the time i almost drown myself
he pulled away "i'll never let you go" he said
"but i will hurt you" i mumbled

~ few weeks later ~
whoever says that a broken heart can be fixed, is wrong
Josh is very sweet and stuff, but i just can fake it anymore
it didnt really change anything
except that now i have food, clothes and someone who cares
but it still feels like i miss something
a reason to live for
Josh deserves better, but he still thinks that he can fix me

i was thinking all of this in the bathroom of Josh's house
it was nice and small, but not too small for 2 people to live in
Josh was buying some food, and i was cutting
he knew i did that
but he never said anything about my scars
probably afraid to scare me off

i cant go on like this
i have to find him (my heart started throbbing and i pushed the razor blade in harder) and tell him that i love him
if he doesnt care, i'll kill myself
with a gun, or i'll hang myself
as long as it's quick
"i'm back" Josh yelled
"welcome back, i'm on the toilet" i yelled back

i had to be insane
sick in my mind
but i was going to do it
i had to find a way to find him

tbc (if you guys even want me to continue)