Odyssey in Brevity

Odysseus is sailing in the Mediterranean Sea. They stop at a land with friendly people. They’re all smiley and stuff and say, “Hey man! Come eat our flowers! It’s like, totally a hippie-dippie thing to do!” A few of Odysseus’ men go all hippie-dippie, so he had to drag them onto the boat. They sail away to the land of the Cyclopes. The men get stuck in Polyphemus’ cave and he eats some of them. “Man! Tastes just like chicken!” “Dude! That’s nasty!” Odysseus yelled. Polyphemus was so scared he passed out. The men poked his eye and he roared like a lion. “Dude! Not cool! What’s your problem?! And your name?!” Odysseus laughed as he said, “My name is Nobody.” “NOBODY POKED ME IN THE EYE, AND IT HURTS!” Polyphemus yelled. He opened the cave and the men escaped to Circe’s island. Circe doesn’t like men, so she turned them all into pigs. They pooped all over, and Circe got PO’d so she turned them all back. The men went pig poop pen wrestling until Odysseus dragged them to the Land of the Dead. They get really scared so they flee to the Sirens’ area. All of the men plug their ears except Odysseus. He hears the Sirens singing. “Hey, come over here and have a beer!” Odysseus rolls his eyes. “Wow, I don’t drink; there are cooler ways to die!” he calls to them. They leave sailing towards Scylla and Charybdis. Odysseus leaves his most useless men on deck and they get eaten. “Wow, I’m really sad,” Odysseus says. The remaining men sail to the land where Helios kept his cows. Odysseus is really tired so he goes to take a nap. His men all want hamburgers, so they kill all of the cows. Helios gets really PO’d, so he has Zeus kill them all. Odysseus floats home to Ithaca and dresses like a beggar. He sees his son and goes all Darth Vader. “LUKE! I am your father!” “NOOOOOO!” Telemachus screams. “My father is dead! And my name is Telemachus!” Odysseus rolls his eyes. “Dude, I’m your dad, so help me kill a bunch of people.” They walk to Odysseus’ palace and he sees his dog die. Odysseus asks for bread, and Antinous throws a chair at him. Telemachus thinks violent thoughts. Odysseus goes Apollo-ish and wins the trial of the bow. Then Telemachus, Odysseus, and Eumaeus go all ninja and kill all of the suitors. Odysseus gets a bath. Penelope tests him by talking about their bed. Odysseus gets all PO’d and stuff and yells at her. “Hey, don’t get mad at me! The gods didn’t want us to get old together! Please, don’t get PO’d! I totally didn’t love the way you were dressed, but I totally do love you!” Then Odysseus gets all googly eyed, and they hug. The End.