A love story
I've always enjoyed reading different kinds of love stories Quibblo
- So I thought I'd make one
& If you could please comment & tell me what you think
I'd really appreciate it. [:
P.S. this takes place in the summer
[that's why there's no school mentioned]
Chapter 1
Bestfriends.
You're really bored, sitting at home alone watching anything & everything. You decide to call your best friend, Jake. You guys had known each other for what seemed like for ever. "Ring, Ring, Ring!" the phone screamed in your ear. "Hello?" said Jake in a tired voice. Oopss, you thought to yourself realizing it was 11:00 p.m. "Oh, sorry Jake, umm I didn't realize how late it was." "Haha, oh hey _, what's up?" "Well, I was really bored & thought maybe we could hang out but if you''re sleeping.." "I'm not anymore. I'll be at your house in like 5 minutes" "Okay, thanks. Bye" "Bye" You both hung up. This is what you always liked about Jake. He was always there for you. Since you both had known each other for a long time you were comfortable around one another. You put on some shoes and through your hair up in a messy bun. You hear a knock one the door. As you go to open it you pass the mirror & realize how horrible you look. "Ohh, dang" You say out loud. You open the door and there is Jake, with his bright blue eyes and curly brown hair. "Hey _" "Hey Jake" you say while hugging him. " So, you want to go for a walk or something?" "Sure" you say really slowly. You both are walk into the dark could night. You must of been shivering because Jake just took of his sweatshirt and handed it to you. "Thank you" You say smiling. You both are talking about random stuff like music and movies. "__?" "Yea?" " Do you want to come to my house, I mean it'd freezing." " Yea, good idea. I was thinking the same." You both walk to his house and feel a nice burst of heat hit you as you walk in. "You want to watch anything in particular?" "No, you can pick" you said. Of course he picked an action movie. You weren't surprised. You went to his closet and grabbed a blanket (you knew where everything was) You walked back to the living room and spread out the blanket and laid down, facing the tv. Jake comes up next to you and lays down with a big bowl of popcorn. "My favorite" You say out loud. He's smiles. As the movie starts you realize how tired you are.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The next day~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You open your eyes. The sun is shining through the windows. You turn to see Jake. You must of fell a sleep during the movie."Oh, no!" You yell louder than you meant. "W-w-w-hat?" Jake says waking up. "I fell asleep & now my parents are going to freak!" You hurry and get up and run out the door with out saying anything else. You hurry to your house. (it only is about 7 minutes from Jake's) You open the back window and climb in trying to be silent. You let out a sigh of relief. No one was awake yet. She go upstairs to your room and pick out some clean cloths. You get ready to go in the shower when your phone rings. "Hello?" "Hey did you get in trouble" It's Jake. "No thank goodness, no one is awake yet" "Oh, good.. so can I come over?" "Not right now, I'm getting ready to take a shower." "Kay, bye" You hang up and get in. The warm water feels really good. Showers always make you feel better. When you're down you get out, dry off, dry your hair & get dressed. You're wearing some shorts and a blue t-shirt. You go to your room and clean up a bit. You forgot your phone in the bath room and go get it. There are 3 new text messages & 1 missed call. The texts were from some various friends saying 'hey' or Whuzzup' The mist call is from an unknown number. You just delete it because, if it's not a number you know you don't care. You decide to go to the park, by yourself. As you get there you sit on a bench & listen to your Ipod. You were enjoying the sun & quiet. There is a group of maybe 5 teenagers going to probably vandalize the slides and what not. As they are walking you notice a really cute blond guy staring at you. You begin to feel sort of uncomfortable & awkward with it. He starts to walk over to you. Oh goshhh, you think. "Hey, I'm Bret." He says with his low manly voice. " Hey, I'm _" He smiles & takes a seat next to you. " What are you listening to?" " Umm, aa oh, nothing" you feel really stupid. "Oh, well can I listen with you?" "Uh, sure." He took one side of the earphones. " Good song" You smiled. In the corner of your eye you saw someone walking over to where you were sitting. "__?" You looked up. I t was Jake. "Who's this guy?" He said. He looked kind of.. mad? upset?...you actually couldn't read him this time. "This is Bret." "You have a problem, dude? Bret said, sounding annoyed. Jake grabbed your wrist and pulled you up quickly. "What the heck, jake!" "Lets go, now!" "No, let go. I'm talking to Bret.!" "Fine go 'talk' to him." He let go of you and walked away. You felt a tear go down your cheek. You and Jake never had fought before. "I got to go" you said shaky to Bret. "Okay. can I have your number.?" You wear basically bawling now, so you didn't answer and just walked about. "Fine" you hear Bret say. Then you hear him say "Whore" quietly. You go to Jake's house and pound on his door. No answer. You call him. No answer. You go to your house & run to your room. You began to play the scene in your head again and again. You hear something hit your window. "what the heck?" You open it and look down. It was Jake. "I've been looking for you!" You yell. "Can I come in?" "Yea" You go down and unlock the door. Jake grabs you and gives you a huge hug, "I'm sorry!" He said. "It's fine.." "What was your problem, though?" He didn't answer. Lets go to my room. He follows you and you go up stairs. "Are you going to tell me?" You asked. " It's just I kinda know that jerk, Bret" "Uhh, okay. and?" "Well, I've heard some pretty bad thing about him & I didn't want him to take advantage of you or something" How sweet. You give him a huge hug and whisper "Thank you" into his ear. "No problem" You look at the clock and notice that it's 8 p.m. "Jake I'm gonna go to bed early tonight" "Okay, well I'll see you tomorrow" "Byee" "Byeee, _ I love you" "Love you too" It's true you do love him. But, maybe not the same way anymore..? You instantly fall asleep.
------------------------------------TBC-----------------------------------------
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The next day~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You open your eyes. The sun is shining through the windows. You turn to see Jake. You must of fell a sleep during the movie."Oh, no!" You yell louder than you meant. "W-w-w-hat?" Jake says waking up. "I fell asleep & now my parents are going to freak!" You hurry and get up and run out the door with out saying anything else. You hurry to your house. (it only is about 7 minutes from Jake's) You open the back window and climb in trying to be silent. You let out a sigh of relief. No one was awake yet. She go upstairs to your room and pick out some clean cloths. You get ready to go in the shower when your phone rings. "Hello?" "Hey did you get in trouble" It's Jake. "No thank goodness, no one is awake yet" "Oh, good.. so can I come over?" "Not right now, I'm getting ready to take a shower." "Kay, bye" You hang up and get in. The warm water feels really good. Showers always make you feel better. When you're down you get out, dry off, dry your hair & get dressed. You're wearing some shorts and a blue t-shirt. You go to your room and clean up a bit. You forgot your phone in the bath room and go get it. There are 3 new text messages & 1 missed call. The texts were from some various friends saying 'hey' or Whuzzup' The mist call is from an unknown number. You just delete it because, if it's not a number you know you don't care. You decide to go to the park, by yourself. As you get there you sit on a bench & listen to your Ipod. You were enjoying the sun & quiet. There is a group of maybe 5 teenagers going to probably vandalize the slides and what not. As they are walking you notice a really cute blond guy staring at you. You begin to feel sort of uncomfortable & awkward with it. He starts to walk over to you. Oh goshhh, you think. "Hey, I'm Bret." He says with his low manly voice. " Hey, I'm _" He smiles & takes a seat next to you. " What are you listening to?" " Umm, aa oh, nothing" you feel really stupid. "Oh, well can I listen with you?" "Uh, sure." He took one side of the earphones. " Good song" You smiled. In the corner of your eye you saw someone walking over to where you were sitting. "__?" You looked up. I t was Jake. "Who's this guy?" He said. He looked kind of.. mad? upset?...you actually couldn't read him this time. "This is Bret." "You have a problem, dude? Bret said, sounding annoyed. Jake grabbed your wrist and pulled you up quickly. "What the heck, jake!" "Lets go, now!" "No, let go. I'm talking to Bret.!" "Fine go 'talk' to him." He let go of you and walked away. You felt a tear go down your cheek. You and Jake never had fought before. "I got to go" you said shaky to Bret. "Okay. can I have your number.?" You wear basically bawling now, so you didn't answer and just walked about. "Fine" you hear Bret say. Then you hear him say "Whore" quietly. You go to Jake's house and pound on his door. No answer. You call him. No answer. You go to your house & run to your room. You began to play the scene in your head again and again. You hear something hit your window. "what the heck?" You open it and look down. It was Jake. "I've been looking for you!" You yell. "Can I come in?" "Yea" You go down and unlock the door. Jake grabs you and gives you a huge hug, "I'm sorry!" He said. "It's fine.." "What was your problem, though?" He didn't answer. Lets go to my room. He follows you and you go up stairs. "Are you going to tell me?" You asked. " It's just I kinda know that jerk, Bret" "Uhh, okay. and?" "Well, I've heard some pretty bad thing about him & I didn't want him to take advantage of you or something" How sweet. You give him a huge hug and whisper "Thank you" into his ear. "No problem" You look at the clock and notice that it's 8 p.m. "Jake I'm gonna go to bed early tonight" "Okay, well I'll see you tomorrow" "Byee" "Byeee, _ I love you" "Love you too" It's true you do love him. But, maybe not the same way anymore..? You instantly fall asleep.
------------------------------------TBC-----------------------------------------



6 Comments
Hello My Dear! I think you've gotten off to a pretty good start, but there is still alot of work needed. I like the plot (where its going) at the moment but I think you've got the story moving too fast, making it feel unrealistic. And the point of realistic fiction is for it to be realistic. You are also writing this story saying "you" like you explaining their life or writing a play, if you are trying to be the narrator the girl should have a name and you should be saying "she" not "you".
Thank you for your comments(:
& the reason I put 'you' is because I want the reader to be the main character.
Kinda like in the '7 minutes in heaven' quizzes. & Thanks for all the tips, I'll try to use them. :)
(continuing on)
Also their needs to be more descriptions and imagery, really get the reader into your story. You also need to let the reader imagine the ending of a chapter. You're too straight forward and to the point, which could just be your personality (meaning that's the way your write) but it doesn't contribute to the story, that's not how the character is. And at the end of your chapters you leave the reader hanging, lost having no idea whats going to happen next but you want to create
... suspense giving the reader just enough information to imagine whats going to happen next but not enough to predict whats going to happen, keeping them entertained so they want to keep reading your book/passage! You are talented with creativity so bring it to the table... I would love to take this and put my own spin to it and post it on my page if that's okay with you and have you read it, critiquing someone else's work helps you to see what you do wrong. I hope I was of help to you!
If you want to put your own spin on it, go all out. [:
I'd love to read it.!
thank you as soon as i have time i will:)