Troubles of My Life

There's been something nagging at the back of my mind for a while now. This isn't a poem, or a fiction story that I decided to write up. This is what's going on in my life right now. I feel so lonely, despite everyone around me, all my loving and caring friends. I feel as if I walk this life alone, without any help, without a gentle hand to guide me safely on my way. I don't trust my family enough to tell them how I feel. Rather, I don't trust myself enough to trust them with my feelings. My friends probably know more about me than my parents do. Which brings me to how I really feel right now. One of my closest friends, she's....I don't know how to explain it. She's been there for me for as long as I can remember, and is always there to talk to me when I need an open ear or soothing word or two. We've been friends for a while now; we're practically brother and sister. But I think things are starting to change....I think I might be falling for her. I want to tell her everything, but at the same time I hold myself back. What if I'm wrong? What if I simply feel like this because I miss the sensation of being in a relationship? For me to be crushing on someone is definitely an accomplishment for that girl. I've been cheated on, lied to, threatened, used, heartbroken, you name it. Love hasn't exactly favored me a lot in these past few years of my life. I've had tough relationships, with friends, family, and girlfriends. It's hard for me to open up so much to one person to the point that I might actually like them outside of a friendship. I would rather go through more personal heartbreak than watch someone I care for so dearly have her heart broken, whether it be because of me or not. If I do get into a relationship with this girl I might like, and everything dies away, I might just go over the edge. I've seen so many people's hearts broken because of me. More than I would like it. If yet another person became scarred because of me, I don't know if I would ever recover. My depression could become worse. I might resort to cutting like I used to once or twice before. I might even take the last, fatal step and end my life if someone else were to fall victim to heartbreak because of me. That's how bad, how scarred and hurt I am inside. I want to tell this person how I feel so badly, because it all may be true, but at the same time I hold back because I don't want to hurt her. And that in itself is tearing me up on the inside, like a thousand-blade shredder that never ceases to turn and turn and turn. I can't make up my mind. I'm lost. Confused. Hurt. I've known this girl for a while; she knows so much about me, and vice versa. She's like my sister. I don't want to lose that bond we have now. If I can't get my feelings all sorted out, the close friendship we have now might begin to deteriorate. And I don't want to lose yet another wonderful person in my life. I don't know what I would do, and it's literally killing me from the inside out.

If any of you who read this have anything to say, please message me. I can't get through this alone.