Loosing you and finding you

2nd year. The year life got bad again. I did have a year off from depression though. That's good right? It was when I started getting bullied again. I was in the middle of finding myself. But no, 'they' had to interrupt that and drag me back to square one, being fake. I can't remember much of what happened to me from September-December, it's all a blur, just like last summer. I have been through allot in my child hood. Allot more than any kid should be put through... Loss of a loved one, bullying, unwanted attention and the list goes on. But today, today was the worst of all. My eyes were tired & weak. I had to spend the day with my parents. I don't like my mom. My dad is fine. My brother, as always, got to hang out with his friends no questions asked. Probably used that tenner I gave him the other day to buy some more weed. I hate being the little kid in the family. I'm not even allowed hang out with the people I want to hang out with. My parents think their helping me by banning me from the place I belong when really it's making me worse. Any way, enough about me complaining, lets get to the story.

It's summer. About 2 weeks in. My mom has been diagnosed with cancer again. I had this feeling, I knew it was going to happen sooner rather than later. This time it's uncureable . Me, my brother & dad drove home silently. When we arrived home a shoved my Ipod into the dock and blared Blink-182, I heard my brothers rap music too & a soft hum of my dad's alternative punk music. I sat down for a moment. Let the anger build up for a few minutes. Then the tears came, then the red hot flush in my head. I stood up opened every drawer and thew every piece of clothing around my room. After that came all my make up & jewlary thrown. I screamed at the top of of my lungs, over & over again. I grabbed one of my high heels and smashed my two mirrors. After that came, well, the worst part. I picked up a large piece of the shattered glass & looked at my self. By now I was sitting on the floor with the mess & shattered glass surrounding me. I was pale, my black hair hanging over my face and my black make up running down my face with the tears. I took the sharp edge of the glass and dug it into my skin. I felt the pain rush through my body and the red liquid ran down my hand. I did it again just above the first. Again the same pain rushes through me. I repeat this action till i have 20 cuts on my arm. I run to my bathroom and run my arm under the cold water. It stings, allot. I wrapped my arm in a black towel, took off my blood stained clothes and climb into bed. I soon fell asleep.

The next morning I unwrapped the towel and put it in the wash basket. My cuts were scabbed over now but they stung. I hopped into my shower and let the freezing water run over me. I washed my hair & face and got out. I blowdryed & straightened my hair, put heavy black eyeliner on & threw on tights and short shorts, a Blink 182 t-shirt, converse & my Framing Hanley hoodie. I grabbed my Ipod and phone and walked out the door without a word. I walked and walked, then I ran and ran. I ran till mu lungs where about to burst and I didn't know where I was. I did, but I didn't want to. I wanted to be some where I didn't know.