Don't Look Back (an Andy Biersack love story)
Andy Biersack love story.
The main character (Grace) is based on me in some ways, so I hope you like it! :)
I'm Grace. I'm eighteen years old and am from London, UK. Originally. I spent the first six years of my life there, but remember nothing of it. I don't even consider myself from there, it's not my home, it never truly has been. But then again, have I ever truly had a home?
Now I live in Hollywood, California. I got moved here to my auntie when my parents died. She was my only relative. She was nice. Loving. Always there to comfort me when I needed it, and trust me, I needed it a lot. She was the only person I could open up to, I had trouble opening up to anybody other than her. I still have trouble opening up to people now, I suppose.
Anyway, like I was saying, my auntie. I don't even have her any more. She died exactly seven months ago today of cancer. I'm over it now. Or at least that's what I tell myself. Usually I'm really good at dealing with things like that because I have virtually no emotions left to hurt. But somehow something still stings when I think of her.
I wish I could love like everybody else. I wish I could feel something, anything towards somebody else. Let alone actually love someone, like most people my age do. I am numb. All emotion has been drained out of me, leaving me unable to feel anything but apathy. Is apathy even a feeling? I suppose it is in a way, it is the feeling of not feeling anything. Well whatever it is, it's there and it's slowly eating away at me. I fear there will be nothing left of me if I carry on like this.
I've been to see therapists before now, they all say it's just a phase I'll grow out of, considering I've never been through major trauma of any kind. I don't think I'll ever grow out of it though, it feels like I'm in a deep hole, out of which I cannot climb.
I've felt like this since high school. All the people calling me names, I went through so much verbal and physical abuse from them. At first I let it all get to me, my emotions flowing freely from me for anybody to damage. I quickly learned not to do that. I put up a tough shell, guarding me from everybody else. I learned not to care. I learned that the only way to get through it was to just keep to myself and stay out of their way.
It must have worked considering I managed to escape high school pretty much alive. But it changed me. I can't get to know anybody any more. I trust no one because I know they'll only hurt me. I am a lone wolf, I don't need anybody else. I'm perfectly capable of doing things for myself, thank you very much. No. I'm not supposed to think like that. I have to be more open towards other people. Let at least somebody in. That's what they keep telling me, anyway. How well it will work, I'm unsure.
I'm going to a concert tonight with a girl I used to know. I suppose I still know her, just not particularly well any more. Her name is Violet. We're going to see Black Veil Brides. She asked me if I wanted to go with her, and to be honest, I wouldn't have gone if it was any other band. But BVB are my favourite band of all time, the one thing that keeps me from dying, the one thing that I am actually enthusiastic about. I'm dreading the socialising, I haven't done anything like that for ages, I tend to avoid people at all costs, usually. But I'll do anything to go and see my saviours.
Now I live in Hollywood, California. I got moved here to my auntie when my parents died. She was my only relative. She was nice. Loving. Always there to comfort me when I needed it, and trust me, I needed it a lot. She was the only person I could open up to, I had trouble opening up to anybody other than her. I still have trouble opening up to people now, I suppose.
Anyway, like I was saying, my auntie. I don't even have her any more. She died exactly seven months ago today of cancer. I'm over it now. Or at least that's what I tell myself. Usually I'm really good at dealing with things like that because I have virtually no emotions left to hurt. But somehow something still stings when I think of her.
I wish I could love like everybody else. I wish I could feel something, anything towards somebody else. Let alone actually love someone, like most people my age do. I am numb. All emotion has been drained out of me, leaving me unable to feel anything but apathy. Is apathy even a feeling? I suppose it is in a way, it is the feeling of not feeling anything. Well whatever it is, it's there and it's slowly eating away at me. I fear there will be nothing left of me if I carry on like this.
I've been to see therapists before now, they all say it's just a phase I'll grow out of, considering I've never been through major trauma of any kind. I don't think I'll ever grow out of it though, it feels like I'm in a deep hole, out of which I cannot climb.
I've felt like this since high school. All the people calling me names, I went through so much verbal and physical abuse from them. At first I let it all get to me, my emotions flowing freely from me for anybody to damage. I quickly learned not to do that. I put up a tough shell, guarding me from everybody else. I learned not to care. I learned that the only way to get through it was to just keep to myself and stay out of their way.
It must have worked considering I managed to escape high school pretty much alive. But it changed me. I can't get to know anybody any more. I trust no one because I know they'll only hurt me. I am a lone wolf, I don't need anybody else. I'm perfectly capable of doing things for myself, thank you very much. No. I'm not supposed to think like that. I have to be more open towards other people. Let at least somebody in. That's what they keep telling me, anyway. How well it will work, I'm unsure.
I'm going to a concert tonight with a girl I used to know. I suppose I still know her, just not particularly well any more. Her name is Violet. We're going to see Black Veil Brides. She asked me if I wanted to go with her, and to be honest, I wouldn't have gone if it was any other band. But BVB are my favourite band of all time, the one thing that keeps me from dying, the one thing that I am actually enthusiastic about. I'm dreading the socialising, I haven't done anything like that for ages, I tend to avoid people at all costs, usually. But I'll do anything to go and see my saviours.
1 Comment
Liked it, Next please