The Haven
A short Story.
Chapter 1
The Haven
This story had been removed so that it can be published by the author. However, it can still be found here: http://www.wattpad.com/2993657-the-haven
A short Story.
13 Comments
By the way, I'm entering in this in a competition which has a 500 word limit. I'm about 30-40 words over, so if you can see any sentences that you think could be cut out or shortened that would be great :)
srry can't. To much in a daze of the awesum story.
You could do without (in order of appearance): "the people were told", the "their" before families and jobs, "oh it was necessary, she had been told", replace (after she was not always an only child) "oh well" with "but", replace "for what was there to be afraid of here?" with ";there was no fear of crime" and that's all I can think of, good luck in the contest!
Thanks, that helped a lot. I didn't use everything you suggested but you gave me a lot of other ideas.
You say that Haven is a place of 'peace and JOY'. However, at the end you say Haven cuts you off from joy. Please explain? :S
Everything else is AWESOME.
In the text is says "A place of peace and joy, the people were told". This is what they're told, but not what is true.
Maybe change the name of Mary to 'Lea' or 'Jo' to make it shorter...
Cut off 'betrayal', maybe?
wow its great
but idk i cant rlly see any sentences u could cut off, srry
It's good I like it! It reminds me of a mix of The Giver and The Last Book in the Universe. Because in The Giver their(not sure if that's the right there/their) is a perfect town(not really, but that's what the leaders think) where everything is equal. And The Last Book in the Universe because near the end they go to this city that IS perfect and it seems like the city in your story except the people can leave, but it's dangerous to.
Thanks! I've never heard of The Giver or The Last Book in the Universe. Actually, I got my inspiration from the song "Savior Machine" by David Bowie.
His song and my story might not seem similar, but the object of both is something that rids you of your sorrow by depriving you of joy. In my opinion, anyway :)
I've always wanted to write a story based on a song! I have a song, but I'm still trying to create a story for it
Awesome story hope all goes well with the comp:)