The Haven

Reads: 16 | Chapters: 2 |

A short Story.

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Chapter 1

The Haven

by: Ripple_The_Llama
This story had been removed so that it can be published by the author. However, it can still be found here: http://www.wattpad.com/2993657-the-haven

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13 Comments

  • Ripple_The_Llama 07-10-2011 at 10:11 AM 0 0

    By the way, I'm entering in this in a competition which has a 500 word limit. I'm about 30-40 words over, so if you can see any sentences that you think could be cut out or shortened that would be great :)

  • TheRebelAndHerMinions 07-10-2011 at 10:15 AM 2 0

    srry can't. To much in a daze of the awesum story.

  • RunWhileYouCan 07-10-2011 at 1:35 PM 0 0

    You could do without (in order of appearance): "the people were told", the "their" before families and jobs, "oh it was necessary, she had been told", replace (after she was not always an only child) "oh well" with "but", replace "for what was there to be afraid of here?" with ";there was no fear of crime" and that's all I can think of, good luck in the contest!

  • Ripple_The_Llama 07-11-2011 at 3:01 AM 0 0

    Thanks, that helped a lot. I didn't use everything you suggested but you gave me a lot of other ideas.

  • Friee 07-10-2011 at 6:52 PM 0 0

    You say that Haven is a place of 'peace and JOY'. However, at the end you say Haven cuts you off from joy. Please explain? :S
    Everything else is AWESOME.

  • Ripple_The_Llama 07-10-2011 at 11:12 PM 0 0

    In the text is says "A place of peace and joy, the people were told". This is what they're told, but not what is true.

  • Friee 07-10-2011 at 6:53 PM 0 0

    Maybe change the name of Mary to 'Lea' or 'Jo' to make it shorter...

  • Friee 07-10-2011 at 6:54 PM 0 0

    Cut off 'betrayal', maybe?

  • Your_Song 07-11-2011 at 12:24 AM 0 0

    wow its great
    but idk i cant rlly see any sentences u could cut off, srry

  • SalPal 07-11-2011 at 2:23 AM 0 0

    It's good I like it! It reminds me of a mix of The Giver and The Last Book in the Universe. Because in The Giver their(not sure if that's the right there/their) is a perfect town(not really, but that's what the leaders think) where everything is equal. And The Last Book in the Universe because near the end they go to this city that IS perfect and it seems like the city in your story except the people can leave, but it's dangerous to.

  • Ripple_The_Llama 07-11-2011 at 3:06 AM 0 0

    Thanks! I've never heard of The Giver or The Last Book in the Universe. Actually, I got my inspiration from the song "Savior Machine" by David Bowie.
    His song and my story might not seem similar, but the object of both is something that rids you of your sorrow by depriving you of joy. In my opinion, anyway :)

  • SalPal 07-11-2011 at 3:11 AM 0 0

    I've always wanted to write a story based on a song! I have a song, but I'm still trying to create a story for it

  • Dark_Bellsprout 07-13-2011 at 10:24 PM 0 0

    Awesome story hope all goes well with the comp:)

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Created by Ripple_The_Llama

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Ripple_The_Llama
16, Female
With the Sons of The Silent Age, finding another way down, AU

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