Breaking habits..
Such a tragic world...
I breathed slowly. My heart slowed to a painfull beat. I closed my eyes and felt my insides pulse as the warm blood trickled down my cool skin. Why is my life such a torture... what did i ever do to deserve this. Why does god hate me? Ive never done anything wrong. I always do what im told. Im a good girl... so why...why is this my life. No one understands how much i hate my life. No one understand how much i want to bury these blades deep into my wrists and kill everylast of my beating pulses. How much i want to die. I hate it. No one knows whats behind this pretty face. No one knows how much i wish i could be some one else. I know i act cool. But deep inside no one understands how much i have to work up to hide my insecurities. I know i have to work up alot to wake up every morning and go to school. Where everyone wants you to be perfect. Where is you do somthing wrong youll be shunned for life. Sometimes i hope i will die. I wake up everyday and wonder if today is that day. No one can express how it feels to have to cut yourself to take away the depression. No one can make me feel better. I want to crawl to the floor and die. I wonder sometimes if the world would be better if i was never born. Ive never known someone to hate their life like i hate mine. I wish i could die. Alot of people dont even care. They may say theyre ny friends but really they dont care. They wont care if i dissapear.. they wont care if i die. No one cares. Not even me. I just dont understand why god could give anyone a life like this. Why god could give anyone a worse life. Why would he do that. Why would anyone have to live through all this cr@p day by day night and night why? I never did anything. I never hurt anyone. I dont understand why others get to have a life and i dont. Im practically an emty shell with no soul. No life. No hope. No dreams. Nothing worth living for. I want that happyness. I want to be able to laugh untill i cry. I want to have the life my own brother has. I dont know why they would put a guy who has everything he wants at his hands and a girl who has no life, nothing but the wrong end of life. What have i done. I can do nothing but cry myself to sleep.
I woke with dried tears and my wrists still wet with freash blood. I woke in my bathtub which wasnt weird. I woke few times here so no one saw the blood. It was a simple trick. Ussually i slept by the tub and not in it. But i let my arms drape ofver the edge allowing the blood to flow down the drain. I hate the morning feeling. A clock on the wall read it was an hour till school. I dreaded going but i stode undressed myself and got in the shower to wash off the blood.
My cuts and scars were wrapped in a white gaws so it wouldnt bleed out and hidden under a tight black long sleeve. After straightening my hair, i grab my bag and walk out of my room. My mom was giving my little sisters breakfast. "Its late get out get out!" My mom practically yelled. I rolled my eyes and grabed a caprisun before i left. My dad drove us. And left us. My friends were still in the cafe with breakfast. Everyone was. I ran to the gym and into the pool room. No one was there. Good. I walked into the locker room and through the rows of blue lockers. It was dark. But that didnt matter. In the back of the lockerroom was a bathroom people bearly used. I went in and rolled up my sleeves. The gaws were soaked in hlood already. I quickly unwrapped my wrists and cleaned them in the sink. I made sure to flush the evidance of my cutting and then reaplied a thicker gaw. Thick but just thin enough for people not to notice. I sighed when i looked at my self in the mirror. i hate you... why wont you die already is what my own reflection said to me. So much bodily ahuse and yet... here i am like nothing. But deep inside.. i knew as i shut off the lights on my way out, that the reflection knew what i most wanted in my life.
It knew i wanted to die.
I sat down in class and stared at the board. "Hey lilly" a boys voice said behind me. I looked back at austin. He was sitting in his seat right behind me. "Hey" i said softly acting tired. "You okay?" Tiara asked from across the room. I looked at her and nodded hugging my bag that was in my lap. "Im tired" i said and looked around. I saw everyone had came in and sat down. Anthony catching my attention. Everyone thought he was emo. But i knew he wasnt. Not just because he told people so, but because i have a secret. I think i love him. He looked emo and dressed like a skater. His brown shaggy hair had the front tips dyed yellow like blonde. I sighed because i knew he would never see me like i see him. Sometimes i wonder if he does like me. Ive seen him stareing but i always thought he was looking through me. I turned to the front of the room and waited for annoncments.
I sat in my 3rd hour and stared at my bag. "Hey whyr you sad?" My best friend, jade, said looking at me as she passed my desk. "Im not. Im just tired" i said slowly. The day was gonna be so slow. I wish i could escape.
i wish i could just dissapear
Signed,
~gone~
I woke with dried tears and my wrists still wet with freash blood. I woke in my bathtub which wasnt weird. I woke few times here so no one saw the blood. It was a simple trick. Ussually i slept by the tub and not in it. But i let my arms drape ofver the edge allowing the blood to flow down the drain. I hate the morning feeling. A clock on the wall read it was an hour till school. I dreaded going but i stode undressed myself and got in the shower to wash off the blood.
My cuts and scars were wrapped in a white gaws so it wouldnt bleed out and hidden under a tight black long sleeve. After straightening my hair, i grab my bag and walk out of my room. My mom was giving my little sisters breakfast. "Its late get out get out!" My mom practically yelled. I rolled my eyes and grabed a caprisun before i left. My dad drove us. And left us. My friends were still in the cafe with breakfast. Everyone was. I ran to the gym and into the pool room. No one was there. Good. I walked into the locker room and through the rows of blue lockers. It was dark. But that didnt matter. In the back of the lockerroom was a bathroom people bearly used. I went in and rolled up my sleeves. The gaws were soaked in hlood already. I quickly unwrapped my wrists and cleaned them in the sink. I made sure to flush the evidance of my cutting and then reaplied a thicker gaw. Thick but just thin enough for people not to notice. I sighed when i looked at my self in the mirror. i hate you... why wont you die already is what my own reflection said to me. So much bodily ahuse and yet... here i am like nothing. But deep inside.. i knew as i shut off the lights on my way out, that the reflection knew what i most wanted in my life.
It knew i wanted to die.
I sat down in class and stared at the board. "Hey lilly" a boys voice said behind me. I looked back at austin. He was sitting in his seat right behind me. "Hey" i said softly acting tired. "You okay?" Tiara asked from across the room. I looked at her and nodded hugging my bag that was in my lap. "Im tired" i said and looked around. I saw everyone had came in and sat down. Anthony catching my attention. Everyone thought he was emo. But i knew he wasnt. Not just because he told people so, but because i have a secret. I think i love him. He looked emo and dressed like a skater. His brown shaggy hair had the front tips dyed yellow like blonde. I sighed because i knew he would never see me like i see him. Sometimes i wonder if he does like me. Ive seen him stareing but i always thought he was looking through me. I turned to the front of the room and waited for annoncments.
I sat in my 3rd hour and stared at my bag. "Hey whyr you sad?" My best friend, jade, said looking at me as she passed my desk. "Im not. Im just tired" i said slowly. The day was gonna be so slow. I wish i could escape.
i wish i could just dissapear
Signed,
~gone~
2 Comments
cool story!
Really cool... Make more!