Wow, this came out of nowhere...
I just burst out into tears and started writing this last night on Microsoft Word.
Carelessly wandering, wondering what I should do. If I could complete my goal, I would. But I don’t even have one, so how does that work? My goal is to actually have a goal. It’s like, I ‘m wandering aimlessly, no looking forward, but no looking back. With me, the glass is always half empty. There isn’t even a glass.
And when everything is empty, I just sit there, thinking. But what’s to think about when you don’t even have a goal? I watch TV, every single day. Wonder what it’s like to be that character. I wonder if I’ll ever be caught in those situations. But TV has taught me one thing, that those things never happen.
I try to find a goal, in life, but there just isn’t one. I sit around all day, waiting for something exciting to happen, but it never comes. Like some guy late for a date, a phone never rings, food that’s never prepared.
I want to be an author, but that is just a hobby. Unless your, like, the author of Diary of a Wimpy Kid. Cause, that guy’s loaded.
But me?
Most authors barely make the shelves of Barnes & Nobles. If those great books, that I research can’t make the shelves, how am I going to?
For a short period of time, I thought about becoming a doctor. I like when people say thank-you, it’s the satisfaction of knowing that you helped someone. If you’re a doctor than you probably get thanked a lot. That sounds pretty selfish, but in my eyes, it isn’t. But that dream, was gone a long time ago. I came to the reality of the fact that I probably wouldn’t go to medical school, right after college. Because that takes even a longer time, and I don’t even like school.
I once thought of becoming a game designer, but then I thought, “Who the hell would buy my games?”. I always wondered what was still crept up inside my imagination, if I could just tap that open somehow. I tried with all my might, but it never budged.
Then I thought, would I just became a quiet little housewife. Let husband bring in the bacon, but I’m sort of a feminist, I wouldn’t like that.
When I was little, I thought of becoming a scientist. That dream still exists, but what type of scientist would I be? There are billions, and I mean billions, of scientists. Toxicologist…and there’s more…
I’m just not really up to date with all of them.
I thought would if I could create bombs. I’ve already made two stink bombs. I always planned to set them off, but I never did. Never.
One day, I thought “Could I become an anime voice actress?”. Oh, I can’t even tell you how quick that dream dissolved. I mean, as much as I enjoy watching, I couldn’t see myself participating in it.
I just want a goal, something I can live for. A passion, a hobby, anything, anyone. It could be cooking, writing, painting, sketching, making movies, making scripts. Anything. The possibilities are endless.
But I haven’t got one. I haven’t found anything. I don’t want to become one of those people who had to compromise at the last minute. I don’t want become someone who never once had a dream. I don’t want to become a nobody.
But have I already become that?
And when everything is empty, I just sit there, thinking. But what’s to think about when you don’t even have a goal? I watch TV, every single day. Wonder what it’s like to be that character. I wonder if I’ll ever be caught in those situations. But TV has taught me one thing, that those things never happen.
I try to find a goal, in life, but there just isn’t one. I sit around all day, waiting for something exciting to happen, but it never comes. Like some guy late for a date, a phone never rings, food that’s never prepared.
I want to be an author, but that is just a hobby. Unless your, like, the author of Diary of a Wimpy Kid. Cause, that guy’s loaded.
But me?
Most authors barely make the shelves of Barnes & Nobles. If those great books, that I research can’t make the shelves, how am I going to?
For a short period of time, I thought about becoming a doctor. I like when people say thank-you, it’s the satisfaction of knowing that you helped someone. If you’re a doctor than you probably get thanked a lot. That sounds pretty selfish, but in my eyes, it isn’t. But that dream, was gone a long time ago. I came to the reality of the fact that I probably wouldn’t go to medical school, right after college. Because that takes even a longer time, and I don’t even like school.
I once thought of becoming a game designer, but then I thought, “Who the hell would buy my games?”. I always wondered what was still crept up inside my imagination, if I could just tap that open somehow. I tried with all my might, but it never budged.
Then I thought, would I just became a quiet little housewife. Let husband bring in the bacon, but I’m sort of a feminist, I wouldn’t like that.
When I was little, I thought of becoming a scientist. That dream still exists, but what type of scientist would I be? There are billions, and I mean billions, of scientists. Toxicologist…and there’s more…
I’m just not really up to date with all of them.
I thought would if I could create bombs. I’ve already made two stink bombs. I always planned to set them off, but I never did. Never.
One day, I thought “Could I become an anime voice actress?”. Oh, I can’t even tell you how quick that dream dissolved. I mean, as much as I enjoy watching, I couldn’t see myself participating in it.
I just want a goal, something I can live for. A passion, a hobby, anything, anyone. It could be cooking, writing, painting, sketching, making movies, making scripts. Anything. The possibilities are endless.
But I haven’t got one. I haven’t found anything. I don’t want to become one of those people who had to compromise at the last minute. I don’t want become someone who never once had a dream. I don’t want to become a nobody.
But have I already become that?
4 Comments
Don't worry, you still have a lot of time to think about it. Don't give up on your dreams. I wanted to become an artist ever since I was four--I never gave up, and though I can't be compared to Rembrandt or J.W. Waterhouse or Da Vinci, I know I'm not bad either. We are all teenagers. We can't compare ourselves to those that have had more years of practise; it isn't fair. Don't give up; keep practising. You can become whoever you want to become.
Thanks for the encouragement. I just wish I had something to motivate me. My family motivates me, so do my friends. But I can't motivate myself. It's like I have no self-respect or something.
I don't know, guess I'm crazy...
You're not crazy, you're a teenager! They call it puberty for a reason...it's like there is this big black hole, ready to swallow you in the blink of an eye. Isn't there anything you want more than anything? Think of that thing as a fruit, hanging right above your head. You can't reach it right now, but if you grow and try your best, you can!
OOooh my i know what that's like all too well...ugh it was one of the most terrible things to feel. But if i may offer what i learned...? Go, don't wait. It doesn't matter if you dont have a goal quite yet. Just go and do something, anything. Something as simple as taking a walk. The more you DO, the more life happens babe. peace out.