My greatest fear. Read if you really care not just because you want to know what scares me.

{}- From the original version that I thought would be important to leave in even if it is out of context

I recently read some posts on Tumblr about a man who they cut off all his senses and the expressionless and the one of Squidwerd's suicide scared the crap out of me to put it bluntly. I am not going to explain the point of those stories even more, it would only cause me great pain and make me feel bad for a while.
Onto the reason why I am writing this. Originally this was made as a letter to my favorite Youtuber. If I have guts enough to tell a total stranger then I have guts enough to tell you all. The ones who have made me happy in my deepest despair. I shall point out the fact straight away, that I am not writing this as a way to get attention, or for people to feel bad about me. If I was trying to seek attention then I would simply tell everyone that I was going to kill myself. Thus is not the case. This is a real fact about me which I have only revealed to 2 people in this world population of 8 billion. Hopefully with me getting this out there, I will have the guts to come forward to my friends about this.
I have this gut wrenching fear of the end of the world and all of those reminded me of it. I keep this secret locked away inside of myself and i dont tell anyone about it. Even when my friends talk about 2012 like its a joke i cant get it out there. I try to speak of it but then i feel like im being silly for having this fear. I dont know why im scared of it, maybe some trauma as a child i dont know.

All i know is that i count down the days in my head to December 21, 2012. Is there a god? Does he still care about me? Ive done things not evil things or anything except if you count high school evil (kicking people out of social groups, slight bullying etc. etc). But ive done other things that i do not feel safe enough to reveal. Have i wasted my life by not going out enough with friends? Staying home all day and being a hermit that just writes and writes and writes? Not having a boyfriend or any kind of romantic relationship?
Even some things I do are because of that fact, the Youtube videos I make, the amount of work I put into my stories. That is because I want to be remembered for something, I want to be popular in life so in death it may carry through. There I admit it. Now you will know why I ask you guys to give me suggestions on videos, or to ask me questions. I want people to care about me.

These are the things that fill my mind lately. {Its ridiculous that im finally saying this to some youtube celebrity who doesnt even know me nor do you probably care but this is the only way i really know to say it without people REALLY knowing its me.}

Maybe one day ill say it out loud to my best friend maybe... she already knows the half of it, that it scared me, 2012. But not about god or that the stories i hear scare me. I act like this impenetrable person but thats only because of the times i have been hurt.
People dont view me as being a girl with feelings very often and that always manages to get my blood boiling.
This fear is connected to that in some way i think, the struggle of keeping it a secret and not screaming every time someone makes a joke about it as if its nothing.
Im scared and i know this isnt the type of thing one should keep hidden away but i dont know how to tell my mom or siblings or anyone about it in order to see a therapist.
I know that that is what is recommended of someone with this kind of fear but i just cant get it out.

{I guess the real reason im writing this to you is because i hope that you may be able to give me some kind of advice as to what to do. I've never met someone that would get why im scared of it but maybe theres other people like me that dont know what to do with themselves and their fear, so they keep it hidden and dont tell anyone. I wouldnt know as ive only told 1 person, but i guess that would be 2 now. }

I have too many fears and things going through my head for my age (13) but in reality ive had them since i was atleast 7.

{Please help me, in any way, atleast replying to this message and giving me some kind of advice or atleast replying with a simple 'i care' would show me that people really do care about me or more importantly my sanity that i let go of sometimes when these fears bombard my head too much.}
I must say though, that in the around 6 years that I have had this fear it has not been always. I watched the 2012 movie in the summer to 7th grade and since then it has not frightened me, I did not have a mini panic attack related to that, that is until my science teacher showed a film about the sun eventually devouring the earth did it all come back, and then it was like a shock wave. It made my fears worse.
And what made it even worse? A lot of the things my Science teacher talks about make me want to scream my fear out. To get him to SHUT UP for whatever he is saying! When we were talking about the environment in this class, I let books devour my brain and ignored him for that entire unit.
I once stayed up until 6am so that i wouldnt fall asleep and have those thoughts. Sometimes i just blast hard rock into my ears to block out the thoughts....

And this is the informal ending to this very formal letter that I have written. To whom? Originally an internet celebrity, but now I write it to all of you, the Quibblonians, who have kept me sane and happy. I feel safe enough to tell you all this secret. I sort of like having a secret like this, that only me and my best friend know about. But you know what? Its not right. I know its not. One shouldn’t keep these things kept secret. It build and it builds and it builds, until it tries to break free from your head. My problems are not going to get better if I simply ignore it. If I told it to my best friend then wrote it to her [Youtube celebrity who shall remain nameless] and now I tell it to you, maybe one day I will have the courage to tell my friends, then my parents and eventually maybe even my teachers so they know what not to talk about near me. I hope that you all believe what I am saying and don’t think im an attention- seeking wanna be. I assure you, the nights I have spent with little sleep are not made up.




If you have any questions related to what you read about do not be scared to ask me in the comments or in a message.
If you want to confide in me a similar fear dont be afraid to message me