My Internal Vent(s)

I need to vent and get some of my emotions out here. So....

Chapter 1

1) F and H

Hey...I'll probably regret posting this but oh well. What's one more to my long list of regrets. Let's name another.

I am dating a girl called F but I still have feelings for my ex called H. I have been liking H more  and more and I think I might be falling in love with him, but sometimes I have moments when I don’t feel much for him. I like F a bit but not enough to be in a relationship with her. I do think my affection for her is growing, but still not enough. I don’t think that dating F is the right thing for me at the moment but now I’m in too deep and I don't want to hurt her or my reputation by ending it. If I carry on as things are at the moment it would be me growing to like her more, but I could fall in love with H too. How I would like the future to be, in a perfect world is being in love with H with no feelings for anyone else, and dating him. and him feeling the same for me. H doesn't know how I am feeling and I can't tell him because he does know her. As H knows about me and F, if he knew how I felt he might tell her and ruin the relationship and my chances with H, or tell someone else who will tell Faith. It might also ruin my chances anyway. Not saying I had a chance to begin with. I just feel upset about the whole situation, confused and guilty that I got myself into it. It sometimes keeps me up at night and makes me feel the previous emotions. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I told one person who I met online, on Quibblo, and asked for her advice but she can’t help to be honest. Then I asked my friend J and he is supportive but he's not helping either. He wants to but I just struggle to explain it to him. I don't know how long I can keep this up but I have to try. I know that my heart not being 100% in it could upset her if we broke up and she found out. I deserve the upset but the thing is, I fake it in the relationship some of the time so it doesn’t affect it. Sometimes faking it, makes me believe it myself. I don't think it would last 10, 20, 30 years (I sometimes wonder if we’ll last another week) but if it did I think I would eventually fall in love with F but every time I got a text from H my stomach would flip. If I spent the rest of my life living a lie and being in love with H whilst watching him move on with his life, it would kill, but it would be too late to do anything about it. I do think the kindest thing for Faith and me would be to end the relationship but I can't because it's gone too far and I have a reputation to uphold. I want to try and make it work, I know I am doing the wrong thing by staying with her but it feels like my only option. F thinks I like her as much as she likes me, because of the way I act in the relationship. There are four options: One - I carry on with things as they are but I know I will never be truly happy or be heartbroken when H moves on in life. Two - I tell them both the truth but there might be a huge fall out and F might end up dumping me and talking about me (even though she’s not malicious). But there is a chance that H might feel the same and it might be a chance for me. Three - I do nothing and F finds out and realises I was living a lie and is heartbroken. Four - I end the relationship with F without telling her about H, offering everyone the opportunity to be happy in the long term but not knowing how things will turn out with H. With one - I would be unhappy with it. Two - This could be good. Three - this i would be unhappy with. Four - I would be unhappy with. If a friend was in my situation asking me for advice, I would tell her that the current situation is unfair on everyone but she has to make sure she is happy in whatever the outcome is. I  think there are only two outcomes which I'm happy with and I don't think either are possible. One - I am with F, fully in love with her, and no feelings for H. Two - I am with H, fully in love with him, and no feelings for F. In the first option, I don't feel that I will fall in love with F and I feel like I'm going to like H for a very long time. In the second option, I don't think H will like me or date me again. I think I could find a way to live without risking the chance with H, unless I fall in love with him. And if I do, then I don't know if I could live without taking the chance.

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