The Hilariously Funny Diary of A 14 Year Old Girl!
The Diary of a 14 year old girl (continuation of ‘The Fab Confessions of Georgia Nicolson')
I welcome you to… The Glory confessions of the Legendary Libby Nicolson!
Feel free to comment and ask what any word means- Libby has her very own teenage language!!! Aka- mutti and vati means mum and dad.
Gee and Dave
There's only one week 'til school. Drat. But still, at least Iâ€™ll see the Glory Gang!
Mum and dad are out to the airport picking up Georgia, my big sis who is now 26 years old. I wonder what she was like my ageâ€¦ probably had big basoomas like mum. Seriously, mums basoomas are like two individual hedgehogs nested up her slu.tty topsâ€¦ without the spikes. Youâ€™d think that at her age she would have some dignity but noâ€¦
5 minutes later
I can hear Pippa- the mad cat loon, offspring of psycho father, Gordy- downstairs roaming around, probably attacking another pair of mumâ€™s tites.
I'm getting excited about seeing Georgia! She has been in Los Angeles for the past 2 years with her boy friend and fiancÃ©, Dave. I can hardly remember what she looks like though.
Hang on, yes I canâ€¦ brown hair, large conk, large basoomas and skinny body. Aha. I feel jealousâ€¦
1 minute later
Actually, I donâ€™t. I feel like her twinâ€¦ apart from the noseâ€¦ and my hair is more blonde than brown. But my basoomas are growing quite alarmingly!
1:46â€¦ and a half
The car has pulled up. Three wheels screeching on the drive. Yes, and I do mean 3 wheels, not four. But as I sayâ€¦ or think, anyway, a weird car to fit a weird man. A.K.A. My piggy dad.
Aha. Here they come, out of the car doors. Dad, his pot belly wobbling as he comes out and admires his incredibly cr@p car. Mum joins him, basoomas wildly flailing out in front of her. And finally, Georgia looking tanned steps out, hand in hand with Daveâ€¦ PHWOARâ€¦ I canâ€™t believe I am actually crushing on my sisters fiancÃ©.
30 seconds later, still staring at ma famille out side
Hang onâ€¦ I am practically crushing on my half-brother to be. OMGâ€¦ that is so utterly sick. I think I am going to bed now.
1:52 pm according to Mickey Mouse clock
At last, they have stepped into the Haunted House of doom, otherwise known as my house, home to loons and poor, unfortunate teenagers.
Mum called up the stairs, â€œLibbsy! Gee and Dave are here!â€
I resist a mad urge to shout back, â€œReally? I never even heard the racket you all made coming in to the house of doom.â€ But, since I am a sehr gut girl I reply, â€œOf course, my dear mother, I am awaiting their presence in my bedroom.â€
Ten minutes later
Still no appearance. I think I will amuse myself by making a list of all the bad things about my life.
Here it is:
1. I live in the Haunted House of Doom.
2. I am forced to live with my so-called parents, who are determined to make my life He!!.
3. I have to go back to school in a mere 7 days. What is the point of holidays if you have nothing to look forward to after they are finished?
4. I am as bored as a bored badger who digs a boring hole in a mad spaz attack of boredom.
5. I have not and will never have a decent boyfriend.
2:43 pm. At last, some sane company.
Dave and Georgia came to visit me in my boredom room. Dave really is funny.
When he entered he started singing, â€œThe hills are alive with the sound of PANTS!â€
And he and Gee burst into a fit of laughter in which I could see Dave pinching her botty and muttering, â€œWhoâ€™s my girl?â€
Which resulted in more loony laughing. Will I never be free?
Eventually they stopped laughing and then Dave left to go and talk about what he called â€œClown carsâ€ with dad.
I asked Georgia what a clown car was.
She replied, laughing, â€œWhat is a clown car? Youâ€™ve been living with one for the past 12 years of your life! Dadâ€™s car is from a very rare species of â€˜Clown carâ€™ from Clown Car Ville in Bonkers City.â€
â€œOH! I get it now!â€ I burst into a fit of giggles and surprisingly Georgia actually joins in. Iâ€™m not used to being with people as mad as me.
â€œNow then, Libby, catch-up time! Howâ€™s Stalag 14?â€
Georgia launched off into a random conversation in which she was baffled that I do not know how to fluently speak her language.
Here are some words that I have learnt from her lessons:
Stalag 14- the most boringest place ever invented by mad kid-haters! A.K.A. SCHOOL!! Yuk!
Marvy- VERY MARVOLOUS! Similar to gorgey which means gorgeus.
Blimey Oâ€™REILLY!! â€“ Irish term for â€œBLIMEY!â€ or â€œCRIKEY!â€ or â€œMY DEAR GRANDMOTHERS' KNICKERS!â€
Nervy b. (nervous breakdown), Nervy Spaz (kind of like a nervy b with more physical movements), F.T. (funny turn).
AND MUCH MORE!!!!!!!!!! Oh, deary lordy, she even gave me a big Georgia Nicolson dictionary for further references. AND a selection of luuurve books! AND a make-up-survival guide. ANDâ€¦ well Iâ€™d love to go on, but that is it really!
Gee went downstairs to catch up with mutti and vati. I lay down on my bed for some peace.
Two minutes later
Aaaah! Suddenly I had this wet feeling on my forehead and Pippa was standing above me, tongue lolling out of her mouth like a slimy thing. Eew. Now I would have to wash. Fab.
7:01 pmâ€¦ still in my bonkers bedroom
Gee and Dave left a minute ago to go to the hotel. Thought Iâ€™d grab my chance and phone Maya.
Fabby! Phone was free. Ran over and dialled the number.
â€œYes?â€ a voice said.
â€œNo.â€ I said back.
â€œLibby, is that you?â€
â€œYes, my besty pally! It is me, your fab friendikin!â€ I replied, funnily, I think.
Gosh. She is so slow sometimes. I wonder if Gee had the same problemos with Jas, her besty and mutti of Maya.
â€œMay? Arenâ€™t you happy to speak to me? Iâ€™ve been hit with a light bulb!â€
â€œYouâ€™ve been hit with a light bulb? Who threw it?â€
â€œHa ha ha. Very funny. I mean I have had an above bonkerdom idea! Why donâ€™t we make a scrapbook of all the fit lads around town and rate them out of 10 for features?â€
I feel very proud of myself for coming up with this genius idea. I wouldnâ€™t be surprised if Einstein was my vati! Actually, noâ€¦ Einstein wasnâ€™t fat like the Oâ€™Portly one (aka. My vati)
â€œButâ€¦â€ Maya begins, but I slam the phone down before she can cast a shadow over my bright lighty bulb!
Five minutes later
Rang Zoey and told her all about my plan.
She said, â€œAh, yes! You have hit the head with the hammer! Now I can stalk Freddie and snap a photy (photo) of him! Oh-em-gee, Libb, he is so lush and he actually spoke to me yesterday! He said â€œHi Zoey,â€ in this gorgey, manly voice and then he said, â€œLiking the hair. See you around some time.â€ What does that mean, Libby? Does it mean he will find me and see me around or just a casualâ€¦ see you around?â€
Gosh. What now? But I gave her my owl advice.
â€œâ€¦ It probably means see you around, as in he will see youâ€¦ rather than just see you around.â€
There was a silence.
â€œDonâ€™t you get it, Zoo-zoo?â€
I could hear her tapping in the background and humming.
â€œHello?â€ I said.
â€œAh, hello! How may I help you, dear?â€ she replied.
Good god. I slammed the phone down again. Mum came in.
â€œWill you stop slamming that phone down, Libbsy, babe? Youâ€™ll do it inâ€ she said.
I just glared at her, â€œI am not a babe. I am a teenager.â€ And then I walked out of the room. Hahahahaha. Serve her right.