This is Me

This is basically me writing about me, because people on here don't really know who I am.

Chapter 1

This is Me

by: hcsmith
Ok, I am just going to write about me. Please don't judge.

My name is Hannah Claire Smith. I am 14 years old. I honestly don't know who my best friend is. I have several close friends, and I can't choose. Probably Lily, she has been there forever. So yeah, my best friend is Lily Paradise.
I obsess. A lot. Over Starkid, mostly.
I think my mom mentally and verbally abuses me. I match the symptoms, and she is...brdsbrsdb I suck at explaining things. Lets just say she isn't very nice. One time she hit me. I do love her though, no matter what she says to me. And she is nice a lot, she's just...vresvrsevbrse like I said, I suck at explaining. People have told me to talk to someone about it. Problem is, I can't. I cannot go to a shrink or a therapist or anything. I just can't. I can't relive that, which brings me to my next thing.
When I was a little kid, my cousin tried to raape me. My parents had to work during the day, so they would drop me at my aunt's house for my older cousin to watch me, but she had to do homework, and when you are a teenager, the last thing you want to do is watch your little cousin, so she would set me up with a movie and go off and do her own thing. My younger cousin, Tim, would come and ask me to play with him, which I would do because he was my older, cooler cousin. When he got me alone, he would try to get me to take off my clothes. I wouldn't, and he would get pissed. After a few days, I told my mom, and she called the cops. I had to spend the winter in a stuffy court room on a witness stand while old men asked me questions. It was horrible. The a.sshole got off with community service, a juvinile center and a black mark on his record. I wouldn't go near him for years, but it was tearing our family apart, so I told him I forgave him. I don't know if this is true or not. Now I have to see him every family gathering. I hate it. I just can't trust him. After I went to court, my parents made me see a shrink for a year. The shrink terrified me. Every time I met with her she made me relive something that I would like nothing more than to forget. That is why I can't go talk to a shrink.
Also, this has kept me from having a serious crush on a guy. I get small crushes, but then immediatly panic and worry incessantly.
I am a member of the GSA of my school. I am straight, however.
I honestly don't know what my religion is or if I even have one. I believe that there is something, but I have no idea what. Sorry if this confuses you, it even confuses me.
I do respect your opinion, though. Nobody has the right to shove their beliefs down other peoples' throats. Nobody.
I refuse to drink or do drugs. If you do, fine, but don't even try to convince me.
I have one little sister. We have a love/hate relationship.
I was supposed to have an older brother. His name was Nathan Charles Smith. He was stillborn.
I love ancient cultures, like the ancient Greeks and Egyptians.
I am very self concious about my looks. I am weirdly tall at 6'1, and people tell me that I'm skinny, but all I see is fat when I look in the mirror. I havn't weighed myself in a year. I'm too scared. I have blonde hair that refuses to grow past my shoulders that I dyed (non-permanently) light brown, and (the only part of me that I like) dark blue eyes.
I love the ocean and the moon.
I love singing and dancing, even though I'm not sure how good I am at them. I put some videos of myself singing on youtube to see what other people think, but nobody but my friend Hannah (yeah, we have the same name. Ironically, so do our little sisters.) commented. If you want to watch them, my username is hcsmith18. The songs are Starkid and Wicked.
I love acting. Its what I want to do, even though my family hates the idea.
I do believe in magic and miracles.
I like laughing and being happy.
I like being with my friends.
I love reading and writing.
I have cancer. Skin cancer. I got it from my dad. It scares the shiit out of me.
Starkid keeps me fighting. They are probably the reason that I've never cut or attempted suicide, though I've thought about it.
I don't want pity. This is who I am, and I can't change that, and no amount of pity will. Thats the reason why I don't tell people all of this shiit. I can't stand it, it makes me want to scream, the pity in their eyes. I'm me, just let me be me.

less than three, hugs and butterfly kisses


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