Please...just read....

Here comes goodbye....and there goes my heart....

Chapter 1

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That's it. I'm done. I'm absolutely finished with....with everything. You wanna know why?

Hayley broke up with me today.

I know you may think I'm overreacting or am getting worked up over nothing, but I'm confused and so hurt that I spontaneously burst into tears while in the car in the parking lot while at the post office with my mom. That's how much I hurt right now, that I can't even contain myself from crying in freaking public.

Here's why I'm confused:

Just last night, she was over at my house for a while, which she herself said she was looking forward to. We hung out in my basement, watched a movie, then goofed off for a bit. And I mean "goof off". She tied a blanket around her neck because she said she was cold, and we were kicking a giant inflatable soccer ball around the basement. When that got boring, she decided she was going to lay on the floor for a bit. Since there were other blankets, she wrapped herself up in them, making a little den or cave or whatever. We rolled around on the floor with blankets and pillows for a good hour and half, and yes, I will admit that we made out for a fair amount of that time. She would growl at me and pretend to bite me, but in a playful manner, nothing mean or anything meant to intentionally hurt me. All in all, we had a good time. At least, I thought we did. My mom drove her home, since her parents were out of town, and I asked her if I had made up for two weeks that night, since I was in Missouri and wasn't able to see her. She said yes, and I gave her a kiss good night.

But that night when I told her I loved her....she hesitated before she said she loved me back. That got me worrying a bit at first, but I shrugged it off. I thought it was nothing, that she was simply happy. I was wrong.

I was at my school today for marching band, since I'm in the marching band in my school and I'm a captain, which is a big responsibility. When I had some free time, I decided to text her and see what was going on and what not. Here's the conversation that happened.

Me: This feels so weirdddd haha I'm in my school and like no one else is here.

Hayley: I have to talk to you....I was thinking, and you know how you said you loved me last night? Well, I don't feel right saying it to you because, I don't. And I feel like you don't act your age. I'm not trying to change you Luke but I just wanted you to know.

Me: Okay, I understand. I'm just wondering, but if you don't love me, then what's the point of the relationship? That's what really confuses me....I know I don't act my age a lot, but maybe that's because it's part of my age. I partially don't want to grow up, at least not completely, because I'm still enjoying my time as a kid, or at least as a teen.

Hayley: What's the point of the relationship....right. Okay/

Hayley: Well, I don't want to be a kid. I want to be mature and I need someone that can act mature. I'm sorry Luke.

Me: So....it's over.

Hayley: I guess so....

I didn't reply after that. I couldn't. If I did, I would have probably said something accusative, or would have gone on a huge rant about how hurt I was from what she said. Either way, I would have hurt her with the words I said, and I would have burst into tears in front of other members of the marching band. I would never be able to explain that to them....

I'm just so confused.....she was having such a good time last night goofing off. And I spent a whole freaking week with her while at summer camp for my church. She was having the time of her life doing all sorts of funny and even stupid things. So why this sudden change? I mean, I understand why she would want someone more mature, but if you ask me, I think I have been. You've read my poems about her. So has she. She knew that I loved her with everything I am. I honestly thought she was the one....from what she said to me, from last night, from the last night of summer camp when I told her how I felt. I could tell that she loved me back. She told me herself that she had had the biggest crush on me for such a long time, and that no one else had ever known. So what happened last night? I was gone for two whole weeks, and she still managed to hang in there with me. And I'm not even home for three days, and suddenly she's gone.....

Don't you get mad at her. Please. She's not a bad guy or anything. She's far from it. I'm just saying my part of the story; I guess I still need to find out her side, or at least, everything else that I don't know. But don't any of you ever say that you hate her, or that she's mean, or anything else insulting or accusing towards her. Because even after this sudden change, this spontaneous heartbreak....I still love her....

Ironically, I kind of saw this break up, this heartbreak, coming. And, ironically, Rascal Flatts continues to speak to me through their songs and music.

"Here comes goodbye, here comes the last time
Here comes the start of every sleepless night
The first of every tear I'm gonna cry
Here comes the pain,
Here comes me wishing things had never changed
That she was right here in my arms tonight,
But here comes goodbye."
--- Rascal Flatts.

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