Funny Stuff WihtHarry

The Last three are new

Chapter 1

Hilarious lines for Hogwarts students

If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

I will not sing “We’re off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz” when being sent to the Headmaster’s office.

I will not play poker or bridge with Professor Trelawney’s tarot deck.

Seamus Finnegan is not “after me Lucky Charms.”

I will not draw mustaches, glasses, scars, devil horns, or other paraphernalia on the paintings in Hogwarts while the subjects are sleeping. They do not find it amusing.


Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra credit.

I will not change gravity on the Hogwarts grounds. My fellow students do not need to develop extra muscles and jumping into an orbit is not funny.

I am not the Wicked Witch of the West. Neither is Professor Umbridge

I will not ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.

I will not follow potion instructions in reverse order “to see what happens.”

I will not accept anything edible from a Weasley. Especially if it is offered with a compensation for any damages.

I will not ask for advice from Peeves on how to wreak havoc. This goes for Fred and George, too.

I will not suggest to Fred and George that they invent and sell Anti-Anti-Cheating Charm quills.

I will not tell first years that the best way to study is to stay up all night balancing your textbook on your head, as gravity will cause the information to sink through the skull and into the brain. Having not done this, I will not stay up all night to laugh at said first years.

I will not organize a Junior Death Eaters Training Camp at Hogwarts. I will not hand out medals for "Hexing Harry Potter,” "Endangering a teacher’s life by jinxing,” or “Throwing a person from the Astronomy Tower.” I will not send the latter to Professor Snape and make him an honorary member.

I will not add "according to the prophecy" at the end of all my sentences to raise my Divination grade.

I will not refer to the Accio charm as "The Force.”

When asked a question by a teacher I will not inform them that the answer is protected by a Fidelius Charm and I am not the Secret Keeper.

I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.

I will not tell Oliver Wood that Quidditch has been permanently canceled. Having not done this, I will not tell him that it is Marcus Flint's fault.

I will not bewitch Percy Weasley's prefect badges to yell "I'm in love with myself!" every time it senses movement.

I will not convince first years that the new password to Gryffindor Tower is "Petrificus Totalus" and must be recited with their wands pointed at themselves.

I will not give a "Chosen by whom, actually?" shirt to Harry Potter for Christmas.

If Death Eaters attack Hogsmeade, I will not point at the Dark Mark and shout “To the Batmobile, Robin!”

I will not use magic to change test questions into those I can answer.

I will not tell Ron Weasley that his sister was caught snogging any of the following: 1) Draco Malfoy, 2) Any other Slytherin, 3) Michael Corner, 4) Any other Ravenclaw, 5) Zacharias Smith, 6) Any other Hufflepuff, 7) Dean Thomas, 8) Any other Gryffindor.

Asking Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger "When's the wedding?" is only funny a few times.

I will not lock the Gryffindors and Slytherins in a room and take bets on who will come out alive.

I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is. And Hermione Granger.

I will not tell Professor Binns that he is dead and a) needs to move on, or b) get a life.

I will not start a betting pool on the fate of this year’s Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, as it is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.

I will not hand out shirts that say “Potter 6, Voldemort 0.”

I will not start a howler chain-letter saying "Your life will be cursed for seven years if you don’t send this to 10 fellow students within 15 minutes."

I will not melt if water is poured over me. Neither will Professor Umbridge.

Professor Flitwick’s first name is not Yoda.

Sneaking slugs into Ron Weasley's food is not funny.

If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

I am not allowed to ask pureblood students things like, “If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?”

I will not tell Dobby that Harry Potter's one greatest desire is for a pit bull named Ripper.

"42" is not the answer to every question on the O.W.L.s. Not even if the boy who’s whispering this to you tells you he heard it from Hermione Granger herself.

I will not set Ravenclaws on the task of calculating the exact value of pi.

Getting the Sorting Hat drunk only makes his song funny the first time.

I will not ask Professor Flitwick how Santa Claus is doing.

Asking “How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?” and walking away is only funny the first time.

I will not ink my owl's feet, have it walk across parchment, and sell the results as cheat sheets for Ancient Runes, even though Crabbe and Goyle keep falling for it.

I will not point out to Professor Sinistra that Astrology needs to be rewritten as Pluto is no longer a planet.

I will not tell Gryffindor first years that sneaking into the Slytherin dormitory is a rite of passage to truly become a Gryffindor.

Ravenclaws do not find a sign saying "The library is closed for an indefinite time period" amusing in any sense. Neither does Hermione Granger.

I will not tell Professor Snape he needs to go to his "Happy Place."

I will not tell Professor Trelawney that my teacup says she's lying.

I will not imitate Steve Irwin while in Care of Magical Creatures class, even if I have the best fake Australian accent.

I will not enchant the telescopes on the Astronomy Tower to display non-existent constellations during O.W.L. exams.

My headmaster's name is Albus Dumbledore, not "Gandalf."

"To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.

I will not put a paper sign on Firenze's back saying "Pony Rides: 3 Sickles.”

I will not tell the teachers that they cannot assign homework, as we do not actually go home during the school year to do it.

I will not make fun of Hufflepuffs because their house colors make them look like bees.

I will not use silencing charms on my Prefects.

I will not replace the Quaffle with a red bomb when the Slytherin team is practicing Quidditch.

I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are "covered in bees".

"I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.

I am not allowed to attempt to breed a liger.

The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.

I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore".

House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.

I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends".

I will not refer to the Patil twins as "bookends".

The Slytherin prefect is named Draco Malfoy, not "Rocky Horror."

I am not to refer to the Potions classroom as "Kitchen Stadium".

The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason.

I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.

Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.

Calling Lucius Malfoy "Luscious Mouthful" is just plain gross.

I will not change the password to the prefects' bath to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty".

It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.

It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.

I will not greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, pussycat?"

I will not tell Cedric that he is really a vampire named Edward Cullen.

I will not tell Hermione that she looks like a cat.

I will not tell Harry that he looks like Jasper Hale.

I will not tell Fred and George that they remind you of Mary Kate and Ashley.

I will tell Voldemort that he reminds you of Michel Jackson.

I will not dye Snape’s hair Rainbow colors.

I will not push Cedric Diggory Into the sun and yell," Sparkle you fool sparkle."

Making up rumors about Harry and Draco’s love life is not funny, and it will stop…soon.

I will not use the phrase, “Dude, get a life!” around Voldemort.

I will not jump up in the middle of Order meeting and shout, “Voldemort-RUN!”

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