Today's your birthday, Brendan..
UPDATE I talk to Brendan every once in a while. He's still alive. I wrote this around August 2011 when we weren't talking and I was worried about him. We got back in touch and it turns out, he was in jail for something he didn't do, but we were able to talk again when he got out. Also, he still loves me too. He's still the reason I live.
You're never going to see this obviously, but if you're still alive, I hope one day you do.
I miss you, so much. It's been a year and I still don't feel the same without you even remotely being a part of my life.
You were the only one that didn't judge me.
You accepted me, even though I was younger than you.
But most importantly, you loved me.
I hope this whole thing doesn't sound so cliche.
You helped me through things not even my best friend could.
I stopped my depression, cutting, and insecurity.
You were literally everything I could ever ask for.
Then I messed everything up, and you left, for good.
We became friends soon after, and a few months ago, you told me the truth. You're on heavy drugs. You are addicted.
You stopped talking to me completely.
You don't answer my messages.
You told me you'd always answer to tell me you were okay and that I had no reason to worry.
You don't answer anymore.
Today, you're either dead or in jail. Those drugs might have finally gotten to you. Either way, wherever you are, you're not fxcking okay.
I miss you so much, more than anything.
You're the only thing I ever cared about, and I'd rather take my life than have you take yours or for yours to be gone.
Today, I'm starting my burning again. I don't care how bad it hurts, no pain could ever compare to the realization of knowing you're gone forever.
You're not coming back.
You're not visiting me.
You're not okay.
Since you're not okay, I'm not okay either.
One day, I will take my life for you.
The only thing I care about right now, even after a year and a half, is YOU, and YOU ONLY.
Please be alive.