I Remember It All, But I Wish Id Forget

People with sensitive feelings or light stomachs might not want to read this....

Chapter 1

Tears for a while, then half a million smiles

The earliest memory i have was when i was two, but i guess most of my memories are about the same. Just me alone in a boring hospital room. I am a child with an extremely poor ammune system. THey kept me in quarentine for all of my childhood. I grew up knowing i had a brother, but just barely. He is 11 years older than me, so by the time i actually understood what having a brother meant, he was a teenager and didnt have time for a sick little kid like me.
"Big brother, why dont you visit me when mom and dad come?" i remember asking him. My parents came to visit about once a week and my brother only once a month.
"Cuz i have better and more important things to do. I have a life you know." Luke said texting his friends. The words stung but i carried on.
"I have a life too and i wish youd be a part of it." i responded feeling tears weld up in my eyes. It wasnt that my brother is mean, so please dont think of him that way, it was just that the gap between us was far too wide.
"You live in a boring white room, you have no life, so you dont really understand. You dont know the real world." he said sighing as tears fell over my cheeks.
"But big brother, its not my fault that i dont understand. I wish i could be in the real world, i wish i could live at home with you and mommy and daddy. I miss you, Luke." i said feeling my shoulders begin to shake. I was about 6 when this all occured but that didnt matter. I was still too naive.
"I know its not your fault Zero, but that doesnt change a thing. You are protected in this little room of yours, you dont know the pain that the outside world holds. Druugs, alcohall, raape, murder, suisiide, and bullies. You may never understand any of this stuff. Im almost 18, and when i turn, i will be leaving. I will be far away from here, so my visits now will not make a difference." Luke said. Mom and dad werent in the room because they were talking to the doctors.
"Dont go, Big brother, i want you to stay here. I want to be near you. Please." i said reaching my hand out and grabbing his sleeve.
"Goodbye, Zero." Luke said tugging on his arm, my grip was weak at the time so i couldnt really put up much of a fight. He left me alone in the room, crying, shaking, and in pain.
That was the last time i had seen my brother face to face. We have had little to no contact within the last 11 years. Ive seen him 2 times since then, but we only spoke once. I will get to that later though.
True to his word my brother left for California, while i remained trapped in the dark, cold, lonely hospital room wondering where my brother was, what he was doing, and if he was happy. I used to dream about him smiling at me, i dreamt that he never left that day, that he stayed with me and i got better, dreaming that i finally left the hospital and we got to play outside. But that was just a dream. It wasnt until i was 16 that i ever took a step outside, and i wish i never had.
Lung Cancer, heart cancer, Lukemia, bone cancer, constant fever of 106, a temperature that meant i was dead, but never died. Once i finally defeated one cancer, i would be diagnosed with another type. Years of surgeries and opperations, and dreams of the outside world.
Years went by and a little while after i turned 15 i found out my mom was pregnant. That i was going to be a big brother. I made a promise to myself that i would not ever leave my little sibling alone ( i was in the rebelous stage and had begun thinking that what my brother had done was cruel, i just didnt understand yet.). i fought the cancer to the best of my abilities and was able to move around the hospital a little bit on my own.
At the strock of 12 my mom gave birth to my baby sister Emmaybelline Marie Cade. I was able to be there for her birth, and i was the very first person to hold her. My brother Luke had came,too, but we didnt talk. Not a single word or a slight bit of contact came between us. I was on one side of the room and he was on the other. I remember us catching eyes for a moment, but i growled at him and looked away. I saw his eyes sadden, but only for a mere second and out of the corner of my eye. After he visited he left again. By this time, he was married and had 2 boys of his own at home to worry about so he left.
On March 13, i had a full head of hair and was finally cancer free. They allowed me to leave the hospital, but i had to come back for check ups every week.
I couldnt believe how bright the outside world was. How colorful everything was. I never before had seen the color green, or yellow, or blue, i had only seen tan ( the walls), black ( my hair when i had it), and red (from the blood they took out for research. I loved the sun, the moon, the stars, the cloud. Everything was brand new to me and i couldnt contain my excitement.
For the first time ever i got to go home to a real house, walk on real grass and breathe in air instead of pure oxygen. I had a real bed, real closet, a real tv. Everything was so strange to me. I was confused, but happy. Then it began to snow.
My parents were inside watching tv. My dad was in the military and had gotten special permission to take leave for about a week to visit with me and to help me get used to the real world. Emmaybelline and i were experiencing our first snowfall together and the ground was quickly covered in snow.
I dont remember exactly what happened, and didnt know why until much later but i heard screams and gun fire. I didnt understand what was happening so i just stood there watching as a few men ran into our house followed by my mother screaming and my dad yelling.
"Leave her alone. She doesnt know anything!" My dad yelled and my mother screamed, followed by her being thrown through the glass doors into the snow.
She was covered in cuts and blood. Her hair was a mess and she had bloody tears falling down her face quickly staining the fresh, undesturbed snow.
Out came the men followed by another man that held my dad in a tight headlock with a gun pointed to his head.
"Looky here, two children. Yours perhaps?" the taller man said walking over to me, but i backed away.
"Get away from them! Dont lay a finger on them!" my dad growled as i tightened my grip on my sister as the man pulled out a bloody knife. All the men had black masks and clothing, so any descriptions could not be made.
"Mom, whats going on?" i cried as the man grabbed my sister from me and threw her across the snow. I tried to go get her but the man grabbed my neck from behind and held the blade right before my neck.
"Zero, please dont move. Everything is going to be ok. Its all ok, sweetheart. We love you. Its all going to be just fine." my mom said as another bullit fired and my mother stopped breathing.
"Mom!" i cried out feeling tears gush down my face, only causing me to grow colder.
"Shut it boy. Now then, are you going to tell me where they are or are you just going to let your family die in the cold?" the man behind me said as the knife peirced my neck and slowly made its was across my throat.
"Stop! I'll tell you everything! Let them go!" my dad cried out as the knife dug deeper into my throat until finally it cut clean across my neck.
"Too late, he knows too much already." the man said as i fell to the ground feeling the pain like a thousand needles and the cold seep into my skin. The snow i remembered was no longer white. The man walked over to my sister but my dad managed to break free of the other guy and slammed into the man that had cut me. A shorter man came up from behind and attacked my father. There were five men in all, but i could see two laying dead on the floor in the kitchen. The other three were attacking my dad.
I didnt understand what was happening, i wanted to run, but i was never going to leave my sister, i promised myself that. So as the three men tried to take down my dad, i sucked up the pain and crawled over to my sister. In a quick scoop i picked her up, and ran into the forrest that completely surrounded my house for miles.
"The kid! Stop the kid!" i remember hearing one of the guys shout as he followed in persuit. I had never actually ran like that before. In the hospital i was mostly laying down on the bed so running wasnt my specialty and i wasnt very fast, but none the less i never stopped.
I looked back one last time at the scene, i saw my dad get shot with the bullitt that took his life. His body fell to the ground but there was a smile on his face as he watched me run. Like he was happy that my sister and i could escape. My mom laid face down in the snow, cut up beyond all recognition, and blood spilt everywhere.
Whipping my head around i ran fast around curves and trees and branches, followed now by the three men. I heard sirens in the distance, but i didnt stop running, clutching to my baby sister, trying to keep her warm. Luckily she was sleeping and it looked like she hadnt been hurt by the fall at all.
Then i came to a wall made completely of rock about fourteen stories high. The men were slightly back so i tucked in my shirt and quickly placed my sister in my shirt to help keep her warm and safe.
I climbed my way up as fast as i could up the wall, but the men were faster. One manages to grab my ancle, right as the police came. I heard more gunshots and watched as the men fall down the tall rock wall from about the 8th story. Their bodies fell with a clunk and more blood splattered down onto the snow.
"Kid, you can come down now, your safe." one of the police officers shouted. I had no idea at the time that they were good guys, i was terrified that they were going to shoot me or my sister next. I continued my climb and ran further into the forrest.
Hours went by but i never stopped running until finally i collapsed on my side from exhaustion, still holding my sister tight.
After the sun rose up someone finally found me. I heard footsteps and voices. i tried to get back up, i tried to run, but i didnt get very far. I ended up falling back first into the lake, breaking through the ice, but not before i managed to lightly toss my sister onto safer ground.
I began to sink below the ice, feeling true cold for the first time in my life. i never knew how to swim, so i just let myself fall, thinking to myself, Luke, why werent you here to save Emmaybelline? i dont care if i were to die but why her?
I dont remember what happened next. The next thing i knew i was sitting on the ice again, wrapped in a jacket tightly. The men were surrounding me moving around and there was an ambulance there. I remember those from the hospital, but why would these guys be with the hospital?
"Emmaybelline!" i began shouting, standing up and running to where i last saw her. I felt more arms grab a hold of me but i broke free and ran a good distance away from them.
"I dont care if you kill me, but let my sister live! Let her go, please! She doesnt know anything and shes too young to remember this, please let her live!" i screamed as the officers looks at me with questionable eyes.
"Zero?" i heard a familiar voice say as i spun to look at the abulance. There stood Doctor Jeremy, the doctor that had taken care of me from the hospital, and he was holding my sister in his arms.
"Doctor Jeremy!" i gasped feeling a wind blow across my freezing soaked shirt. THe jacket had fallen when i ran.
"Do you know him?" one of the officers said, as Doctor Jeremy nodded.
"He has been a cancer patient of mine ever since he was born. We just released him from the hospital for the first time ever yesterday. How did he get mixed up with the terrorists?" Doctor Jeremy asked as i fell to my knees on the snow, shivering.
"Zero, please come here. These are police men! Remember how i said sometimes the police bring in injured people if there is trouble. They keep the bad guys in prison and the good people safe. Its ok, please come here before you get sick again! We are going to take Emmaybelline there too so she can get help. Its ok, Zero. Everything is going to be ok." Doctor Jeremy said handing my little sister to another doctor.
"No!!" i screamed remembering the words my mother said.
"Please come with me. Let me see your neck, its bleeding!" he said walking closer to me as i backed away. I stood back up and ran further away from them. Aparently i was faster than i had thought because i was outrunning several police men. My legs began to wobble underneath me and i felt dizzy and sick. But i didnt stop running. Memories flashed through my mind, and i realized that other than the hospital i hadnt had many. My life wasnt a life, not a real one, not like Luke has or my parents had.
"Zero, please come with us. Your only going to make yourself sick." Dr. Jeremy screamed. I was way ahead of them now and i was loosing sight of them.
It was miday when it began to snow again and i fell down into the snow. "Happy birthday to me." i chuckled as i felt blood still slidding down into the snow and more snow began to cover me. Again i heard the voices and movement, only this time i had no energy to move and allowed them to carry me into the ambulence and to be taken back to the hospital.
I woke up in a warm room under tons of blankets with a blood transfusion needle in my arm. Dr. Jeremy walked into the room and began to look at my moniters.
"My parents, where are they?" i asked looking around the room for them. "And my sister, are they ok?"
"Im so sorry Zero, im afraid your parents passed away. But your sister is just fine and shes in a baby room in the pediatric center." Dr. Jeremy said as i felt tears pour down my face.
"Why did those men kill them? Why did they have to take my mom and dad from me?" i asked as Dr. Jeremy wrapped me in a hug and allowed me to cry into his shoulder.
"Your father was a brave man. He faught for our country and he held many of Americas secrets, even to the grave. Those men were terrorists from the other country wanting info and they could only get it from your father. He died to save the freedom in this land, and to let your sister and you live a happy life." Dr. Jeremy said.
"It wont be a happy life without them though." i remember saying.
After a week my sister and i were released from the hospital and were put into the orphanage. After 2 days there my parents funeral was being held.
Many people came, friends mostly. We didnt have any family that i knew about. Even Luke came, and so did his wife and his children, but we didnt sit anywhere near each other. I was still angry at him for abandoning us, and then not even taking us in when mom and dad died. He signed the papers to send my sister and i to the orphanage. People came up and spoke about my parents, but neither my brother nor i stood. we stayed where we were throughout the entire funeral, neither sheading a single tear. I had cried so much that week that i couldnt cry if i wanted to.
After the funeral, my brother came up to me. I tried to back away but his wife stopped me from moving.
"Zero, please, we need to talk." Luke said as the room began to clear out.
"Why should i talk to you! You abandoned us! If you had been a good brother you would have been there to watch me take my first step outside and you might have been able to save mom and dad! Had you been a good brother you never would have left us, i was sick and you never even called. You never even worried about me, did you?" i screamed, punching Luke in face. He just stood there, accepting everything i threw at him.
"Do you feel calmer now?" Luke asked me as i punched him one last time, only this time, he went flying onto the table and then onto the floor.
"Daddy!" one of the little boys cried as Lukes wife stopped the boy from running to his dad.
"I do actually." i said leaning against the wall as he got up and wipped the dust off of him.
"Good, now can i explain myself?" he said as i nodded and he continued. " i was 18 when you were 6. you are 16 now, how old is my oldest son?" Luke asked as the taller boy held up ten fingers.
"Thats right. 10. I was 17 when i found out that Rose was pregnant. DO you have any idea what kind of disgrace that puts on families? The shame that mom and dad would have felt when people stared at them funny because of me? I knew that i had to keep this a secret so i left town. I knew i wasnt going to stay in that town forever. With you getting sick i knew you and mom and dad werent going to be going anywhere anytime soon. I didnt want you to get attached to your older brother because i knew it would hurt more to you if i were the big brother that i always wanted to be. When i would have left, it would have made you sad, and i didnt want that. So i decided i would trade your love for your hate if it meant it kept you from getting hurt.I would rather you wish that you never knew me and to never see me again then to have you miss me and worry about where i was all the time and if i hated you. In the hospital when Emmaybelline was born i was watching you, i tried to see if you really did hate me like a planned. When we caught eyes and you growled at me, i was saddened. I wanted to cry so bad and beg for your forgiveness, but it was still too soon. Then today, i knew you lost mom and dad and i knew from reports i got directly and secretely from Dr.Jeremy that more and more you were begining to be saddened, depressed, almost suisidal. I had to tell you why i was cruel. I dont mind if you still hate me after telling you this,i just wanted to make sure you knew i still loved you and missed you. Dont do anything to make me lose you, please." Luke said, and for the first time, i watched my brother cry. Tears poured down his face like countless times theyve fallen off mine. Ive wanted to see this happen many times. I wanted to watch my brother beg for forgiveness and get hurt the same way he had hurt me. I dont know why, but this was different than i imagined. I didnt want to see him get hurt. I loved him, and for the first time in years i realized it.
"Stop crying. I.... I forgive you, Big Brother." i said as Luke gasped and wrapped me in a tight bear hug. I couldnt breathe.
"I promise Zero, even though it may not seem like it, i will be watching over you and Emmaybelline. I love you two more than the world." Luke said grabbing the baby carrier and kissed Emmaybelline on the head.
"Youre leaving us again, arent you?" i said as Luke looked down at his own kids and nodded.
"Im sorry." Luke said.
"Save it. I dont want to hear it. You leave us, come back, tell us you love us, and then just leave again and expect us to be ok? Just leave, Luke. I hope i never see you again." i shouted as he walked out of the building with his head held down.
Thinking back on it now, i think that was the worst thing i have ever said to anybody. That was the last time ive seen or heard from my brother so i guess i got what i wanted. But i didnt want this. I wanted things to be ok. I wanted a family, a real one, not a broken and torn into shreds one like i had. I hated him for leaving, but i hated myself more for letting him go.
About a month later, while playing with Emmaybelline in the orphanage a girl came up to me with a strange metal thing in her hand.
"Whats that?" i asked the teenaged girl as she smiled and nelt down beside me.
"Its a cool new ear peircer. You want to try it?" she asked me as i shook my head.
"That sounds like it would hurt." i said as she grabbed my arm and pulled up my sleeve to reveal the cuts and scars from my blade that i used to punish myself for anything i did wrong.
"And that doesnt? Besides, peircings are cool. Look how many i have now!" she said pulling back her neon pink and green hair to reveal and ear completely covered in peircings. I had to admit it was cool looking.
"Now do you wanna try it?" she asked as i nodded. I ended up getting 7 in each ear and snake bites on my bottom lip. I tried to peice my nose and eyebrow like she had, but the pain was too much for me so i stopped.
"Thats all you want, peepsqueek?" she asked handing me a box of random earrings and hoops.
"Thats it, no more. i said pulling out mini hoops for my ear and lip. 16 peircings for the pain caused on my 16th bithday.
About a year later after the discovery that i was gay,the countless beatings i had for it ending up in broken bones and pain and switching to the name Zac, which are my innitials, so people wouldnt call me a zero anymore i stumbled apon a conversation between the orphanage lady and somebody on the telephone.
"The Cades? Zero and Emmabelline? What do you mean they have family besides their older brother? Great uncle and aunts? They want to adopt them? When? Three days?!" she said as i gasped. I could leave? I was being adopted and Emmaybelline wouldnt have to grow up here?
"Yes, i will inform them immediately. The tickets are in the mail? Yes i will see them to the airport. Goodbye!" she said as i snick back up to my 'room'.
The next morning i was told to pack the little belongings i talked the court into letting me keep from the house into a backpack and packed all of Emmaybellines toys and clothes i was ready for us to leave.
On the trip to the airport i was told about EVERYTHING that our family had going on. All about Uncle Shawns family and My great aunt and uncle which i decided to just call grandma and grandpa, who were living with the huge family. Emmaybelline didnt like the flight but i was antsy and jumpy. I couldnt wait to see what my new family was going to be like.
I grabbed my luggage and Emmaybellines baby carrier and made my way through the airport till i saw a tall emo boy holding up a sign in crayon that was clearly made by one of the younger kids with the name CADE on it. I ran over to them and wrapped the emo boy in a hug and called him ZaireBear, since they said the emo ones name was zaire. He was frightened for a moment, clearly a little shy and he he tensed up even more when i said that i was gay.
Now i stay with my new family in a big house of the main branch of the family with 25 people. I still wonder where my brother is, and i wish i could be with him, but i know he still cares. Luke was the one who contacted the main branch and said that there was two Cades from the off brand in the Orphanage and grandma and grandpa wouldnt hear of it. Thanks to my brother i have a happy new home. I wish i could thank him and appologize for everything, but i hope where ever he is, he knows that i love my big brother and want him to come home:)


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