This is my very real encounter with Anorexia. All the events, all the feelings, every single thing in this story is true. This is my story of my year long struggle with Anorexia, and I wanted to share my story. It is graphic at moments, it can be scary, but i want everyone to realize, this happens to people all the time, and Anorexia is a very real, very harmful DISEASE.
The names have been changed for the sake of the people mentioned identities.
Eaten From The Inside
Tostitos 151 calories the little voice inside my head hissed. I felt the wave of guilt coming over me, I shut the pantry and moved to the fridge.
5 Strawberries 22 calories the voice purred. I opened the plastic container and looked for 5 of the smallest strawberries in the bunch. I ate them slowly so it would linger in my stomach.
Youâ€™re probably wondering what all of this means. Well for starters, Iâ€™m Rory, Iâ€™m seventeen, and that voice in my head, thatâ€™s Ana. More commonly known as Anorexia, but I like to call her Ana.
I can probably guess what your thinking right now. Oh, sheâ€™s anorexic, she must be so self centered, and shallow. Thatâ€™s what everyone says, and I hate it when people say that!
Thereâ€™s so many different reasons why girls become anorexic. One reason, is because she called me fat. Whoâ€™s she? Well, she is Jenna Tanner. Thereâ€™s a Jenna Tanner in just about every school, the popular girl, who is beautiful, lives in an extravagant house, has oodles of friends, and looks like a Barbie doll.
Jenna Tanner, in my book, was the Anti-Christ. She picked on anyone who got in her way, and I made sure I wasnâ€™t in her way. I donâ€™t know what I did that I became her target, but she got me.
It was in December, and I was on my way to EMT school. Before work, me and my mom stopped in Wendyâ€™s to get a sandwich before my class started started. I went in by myself and waited in line, then Jenna and her army of followers bounced in. They stood in line behind me , and Jenna must have recognized me.
â€œGetting more food fattie Pattie?â€ she chimed from behind me. I slowly revolved and looked at her. She was smiling her perfect, white, straight smile, and flipped her tan hair from one side to the other.
â€œWhat did you say?â€ I asked her. Now I knew what she said, but I had to be sure it was directed at me.
â€œDid I stutter? I said getting more food fattie Pattie?â€ she repeated.
â€œI donâ€™t think thatâ€™s any of your business Jennaâ€ I grumbled and turned back around.
I ordered my food, but then the thought permeated my brain. Was I fat?
I took my bag of food and back to my car and my mom drove me to class. I let the bag sit on the passenger seat with me, and I left it there while I went into class. I ran to the bathroom after I signed in and looked in the mirror. I swiveled to the side and looked at my body. Thatâ€™s when it hit me, I was a little chubby. I lifted up my blue shirt and gazed at my stomach. I poked at it and squished it.
I was fat! I thought it was awful. I exited the bathroom, and went to class. All during the lecture I thought about what Jenna said.
When class was over, I got back the car with my mom and the bag of food was still there. I threw it out the window while my mom wasnâ€™t looking and we drove away.
Those words that Jenna said to me gnawed at my brain. I though of them over and over as we drove home.
By the time I got home it was 10:45 and my mom went in the living room to watch Law and Order, and my little brother was asleep already.
â€œHow was class Rory?â€ my mom asked when we walked in the door.
â€œAlrightâ€ I said shortly. I walked to my room and took off my shirt and looked in my full length mirror. I poked at my stomach again. I lifted up my arms and flicked them and saw them giggle. I squeezed my thigh and inspected my face.
Iâ€™m fat I thought to myself.
That night I went to be thinking I was the chubbiest girl ever, like I weighed 300 pounds, when I was normal.
Riiing my phone squealed and woke me up.
â€œYes?â€ I grumbled into my phone
â€œRory! Where are you and youâ€™re mom? You were supposed to be here twenty minuets ago!â€ my best friend, Lola hollered at me. I completely forgot, I was supposed to meet Lola to go shopping, and my mom was driving.
â€œIâ€™ll be over in ten minuetsâ€ I said and hung up the phone.
My mom drove me and Lola to a second hand store in our town and she shopped with us. Iâ€™m very close to my mom, and she was like a second mom to Lola. As we rummaged through the racks, I found a beautiful dress. It was a black tea length dress with pale blue polka dots.
â€œDo you like this one?â€ I asked and showed it to Lola
â€œItâ€™s cute. Try it onâ€ she told me. I ambled over to the dressing room and closed the curtain. I slipped the dress on and I tried to zip it up, but it wouldnâ€™t budge past the middle of my back.
â€œCome out Rorâ€ My mom called
â€œyeah letâ€™s see itâ€ Lola cheered. I was blushing that I couldnâ€™t get the zipper up. I tried sucking in my stomach as much as I could, but it wasnâ€™t working.
I slid the curtain away and Lola and my mom looked at me like I was so beautiful.
â€œTurn aroundâ€ my mom said â€œletâ€™s see the backâ€
â€œUm, noâ€ I mumbled.
â€œWhy?â€ Lola asked
â€œI canâ€™t get the zipper upâ€ I said softly.
â€œLet me seeâ€ my mom said and she tried to move the zipper but it still wouldnâ€™t budge.
â€œI guess it just doesnâ€™t fitâ€ My mom said, giving up on the zipper. I took off the dress and put it back on the rack, and sadly walked away.
â€œMaybe if you lose a few pounds you can fit into itâ€ my mom said. That was a stab in the heart, now I knew I had to lose weight.
I went home I immediately went to my computer
I googled â€œWays to lose weightâ€
I clicked a few links and they all had the same result: join our web site for a small fee of a million dollars and you might lose weight. Not what I was looking for.
Then I stumbled upon something on Yahoo Answers.
A girl from Nebraska was asking the same thing I wanted to know. Most answers were â€œeat healthy and exercise for an hour a dayâ€. Like that actually works. There was one answer at the bottom that caught my eye.
The entry said â€œHave you tried Pro-Ana?â€
I had no idea what Pro-Ana was, and that was my next search. And that opened up a whole new can of worms.