What's with people? I'm so changing this...

Chapter 1

What's with people???

My ex was threatening to tell someone about my abuse when I spescificly told him "Don't do that, I'm not ready". I had to lie to get him to stop. I told him that I stood up to her. I am... so... not ready to tell anyone but my closest friends about what happened during those horrible eight years... he... is so insensitive... he keeps prying at me and I'm about to yell at him. I don't want to go out with him anymore nor do I even want to be his friend. As much as he thinks I got over him trying to lay me, I'm not. He went WAYYYYY to fast for me and he thinks I'll just magiclly forgive him because he keeps glorifying me and telling me how much he cares?

I can totally tell he still wants to sleep with me. And it REALLY pisses me off. He's not getting away with this. I'm afraid to be anywhere near him because last time I was he touched me over and over even though I told him to stop. All he wants is $x just like every other boy I've ever known. I know that there are good guys out there but there are none within like a 300 mile radius of me. I have known guys all my life and he's just like everyone else. Wants to have a fun night with me in bed.

How did word get out that I like to have $x when that is so very obvious that that's not at all the case? I NEVER wear revealing clothing (long skirts, full jeans, and high cut tops. Call me uncool. I don't give a damn) I always talk in a manner that is never ever dirty or provoctive, I actually blatnely say I don't want to have $x till marrige because I believe that $x is for children and nothing else, and since I'm traumatized it would be way difficult for me anyway.

If any of you have gotten the chance to know me, you know I don't do $x. It's not in my vocabulary. I will never do it until marrige. I don't give a damn if it's uncool. Rather be uncool than pregnant at 17!!! People need to learn when to shut up and actaully learn this crazy thing called respect twords women. I'm not a f#!?ing toy. I'm a person.

It sickens me greatly that people in my part of town are more concerned with having one good night than an actual stable relashionship that could lead to children and a happy life. It's sad that I cannot get the respect that I deserve. It's so annoying and I hate it... I have feelings. I have a heart unlike most of really anyone I've grown up around. I think out of all the people I know in my physical life, only two I would call actual people who have feelings and hearts. Empathy is running low were I come from.

I love online because people are actually real nor are they stupid (though I've been asked for cyber $x a few times). Most of the people I know on here actually have this crazy thing called empathy and compassion twords another persons feelings. Why can't we all just respect what the other person is feeling instead of trying to deny that it's true?

For example, my $xual orientation. I'm a lesbian because all the boys in my life have been horrible to me. I've completely given up on trying to go out with guys. So does that make me a horrible person? I'm a horrible person because every guy in my life has only wanted to have $x with me? I've given up and now I'm the devil? My parents don't like it much either. My brother, Lindsy, and Alix are actually tolorent and it's sad that I only have them and two others that are. Our world is horrible right now sorry to say it!

But I'm working on changing it. I want to make the next generation be free of judgment and hate in which I've grown up around. I'm done with the bull s#!? so I'm changing it. I'm seeing the world as what it could and should be. And with my friends, everything is possible.


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