Plutonians Attack FAQ

Dear Earthlings,

It is unfortunate to say, but the Martians have triggered a mass invasion by the People Lording Undue Terminal Offenses Near Idle And Nefarious Spheres, otherwise known as the Plutonians.

In their search for a young and alive replacement for the 'King of Pop', Michael Jackson, the Martians offended the Plutonians [who were coincidentally inhabiting Pluto] with the song Thriller and even more so with the Moonwalk.

Chapter 1

Preparing for Plutonian Invasion

by: TheToga
In memory of the near attack that was swiftly prevented by Linde and her fortunate screeching Rebecca Black record.

So, dear humans, here are the answers to some common FAQs about the Plutonians and about their invasion of Earth.

1] Should I panic?
A1] No, you should not panic at this time. While it is appropriate for you to fear for your life and well being, panicking will only make the Plutonians more enthusiastic about devastating Earth, and it will only give those of you 50 years of age and older heart attacks and high blood pressure.

2] Should I prepare for battle?
A2] No, you should not prepare for battle. It is very likely that as an earthling you lack both the wits and the competency to even have a bit of hope in fighting the painfully intelligent and sly Plutonians.

3] Will you fight in our behalf?
A3] Yes, We will fight in your behalf, although if any Plutonian pulls out s'mores, we'll be leaving immediately.

4] What are s'mores?
A4] Oh, the dreaded question. S'mores are horrific little barbaric desserts composed of melted marshmallow and cheap chocolate squares fixed between two pieces of cardboard-like graham crackers. They also happen to be Martian kryptonite. However, it is rumored that a handful of Martians have built a resistance to these through overexposure while seeking refuge on Earth. It is not known at this time whether or not Plutonians know the Martian weakness.

5] Is there anyone that can save us?
A5] Yes, we have assembled a "Dream Team" of aliens and humans with abnormal abilities to help defend planet Earth. They are immune to s'mores. Some people to look for: Lorien, Superman, Robin, Iron Man, Loki [he wants to destroy Earth himself], Green Lantern, Wonder Woman, the Hulk, Mr. Fantastic, Captain America, Mr. Incredible, Gru, Agnes, Pedro and Napolean Dynamite to name a few. The future of your planet may lay in their hands.

6] Is there any way humans can colonize another planet?
A6] Yes, there is a way humans may colonize anther planet, but it is not advised at this time. More than likely people will be handing out gift bags and towels for as many of you to hitchhike as possible.

7] Do you want Earth to survive?
A7] We are doing everything in our power to delay this Plutonian ambush. Earth is rather valuable to us, to all of us, and it would be a pity for it to be destroyed in its prime.

8] Why didn't the Plutonians like MJ?
A8] To be somewhat honest, the Plutonians have a sore spot for anyone who can dance better than they can. The ambushes they participate in are in blind rage and are usually associated with someone or something existing in some way better than they themselves can exist. For example, when Elvis could move his pelvis so well, the Plutonians all decided he had to go; they also created pelvis' for themselves and learned to dance and sing like him.

9] How will we know when the Plutonian Invasion has begun?
A9] Boy, you can't miss it. The Plutonians grace their presence with song. If you ever thought you heard someone who can't sing, wait until these morons blare their voices from their spaceship speakers. You may very well go deaf. It'd be a blessing to go deaf.

10] Can we appease them in any way?
A10] There is no appeasing Plutonians.

11] Can we scare them away?
A11] Can you Futterwacken? It's the one dance that intimidates and scares Plutonians away. Due to their anatomical structure, they will never be able to Futterwacken.

12] Will they really destroy Earth?
A12] Well, no. Not unless you provoke them even more. And believe us, humans are VERY capable of provoking. We also almost destroyed this planet. The Plutonians only intend to subject all 7+ billion of you to 27 straight hours of their dancing and singing... Destruction would be a godsend.

Will you be able to outwit, out dance, and oust the Plutonians? A short quiz is available to see if you are prepared:


The Martians


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