The Journal of Anne Patricks

Chapter 1

December 17, 2012

by: For_You
My bony fingers just flipped through your crisp pages. That New Year’s resolution seems childish now. Childish and stupid. There is nothing left now besides skin, bones, and a couple organs. I lost my brain the first day and my heart along the way. I might’ve even lost my soul, but I haven’t seen it disappear yet. Or maybe, I was just too focused on my goal to see it leave.

They say beauty is pain. As I sit up and etch these words to you, I realize that I have reached the point where I feel too much pain, so the aim for beauty is pointless. All those days I tortured myself to suffer and lose the fat are useless. Unspoken pressure to become skinny and happy has left me now here to wither and die.

This hospital room they have tried to make my home only reminds me of the hardship I went through to become this. Why did I choose to become this? Better question, why didn’t I see the signs. The ribs poked at the cover of my skin. The paleness glowed off my body. The dents placed beneath my cheekbones. This isn’t beauty. This is destruction.

The nurses have given me until Christmas day. They told me to look on the bright side, “You’ll be able to spend this last Christmas with your family.” Last. My last Christmas. My last Thanksgiving. My last Valentine’s day. My last year.

What I regret the most is Tommy. The one thing in my life that I loved and whom loved me back is gone. Every day, I am guilty for what I did to him. I am truly sorry, Tommy, and I still love you.

I must remember to give this notebook to my family to read after I die. My thoughts and progress are bound tight in this worn journal. I leave them this with this in hopes that they won’t become like me.

Anne

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