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Chapter 1

The reason I cut and how to quit

I just wanted to get this out there. You don't have to listen. I just wanted people to here why I cut myself:

There are four reasons I do it:
1. Numb my emotions
2. Express my anger and hatred
3. It grounds me when I'm having a flashback
4. Punishment

Now here's the reason it's so hard to quit:

It works every single time.

How should I get over something that works no matter what happens? When I get made fun of... I cut... When I get a bad grade on a test or when I don't meet the standerd weight I was hoping to get to... I cut... When I'm feeling strong emotions that I just can't handle... I cut... when I'm having a terrfying flashbaclk... I cut. When I'm feeling such anger and hatred that I scream... I cut to express it. (weird I know). But those are the main reasons.

I started cutting the first time I went to middle school. It started simple enough. Just one. The reasons I started doing it where because I was bullied for ten years and because I have been $xually turamatized. But now I cut deep. No one knows about it. I only use it as a last resort. Which seems to be my only hope these days... But it works every single time making it nearly imposible to quit.

Now that you know my reasons and why I do it does anyone have any ideas on how I can put an end to this horrible addiction? To find a better way to express myself? Here are some things that I've tried:

*Music
*Writing (when I write I scream)
*Drawing
*Reading and writing (I can't focus when I'm like that)
*Singing (works sometimes)
*Hitting and kicking things (it works but it never ends up well)
*Playing my guitar (I don't know... any chords or songs...)

Does anyone know of anything I haven't tried? I will be more than happy to try it. I want to stop cutting and I want to heal. It takes time I know. But I need to quit cutting. I need to let it go. So if you guys have any ideas, it would be greatly appricated.

I love you all so much. Thank you for listening.

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