Harry Potter Funny Stuff

You've probably seen some of these before, but...enjoy!

Chapter 1


1. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on his/her arm.

2. I will not sing, “We’re off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz” when being sent to the headmaster’s office.

3. I will not play poker or bridge with Professor Trelawney’s tarot deck.

4. I will not pretend to be a dementor or Death Eater in order to scare my classmates.

5. I will not draw mustaches, glasses, scars, devil horns, or other paraphernalia on the paintings in Hogwarts while the subjects are sleeping. They do not find it amusing.

6. Stealing first years' clothing and tossing it into the Whomping Willow is highly frowned upon. I am also not to tell them that the Whomping Willow is inaccurately named and is actually a wonderful spot for peaceful reading.

7. Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra credit.

8. I will not bewitch snowballs to accost my enemies from behind.

9. Professor Umbridge is not the Wicked Witch of the West, however much she may seem like it.

10. I will not ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.

11. I will not follow potion instructions in reverse order “to see what happens.”

12. I will not walk up to a Hufflepuff and ask if he/she is going to huff and puff and blow my house down.

13. I will not accept anything edible from a Weasley, especially if it is offered in compensation for damages.

14. Hogwarts is not in the flight path of any Muggle airport, and Muggle airplanes cannot crash into Hogwarts. That being the case, there is no need to have first years standing on the spires of Hogwarts waving torches screaming, "Go away, go away!"

15. I will not ask for advice from Peeves on how to wreak havoc.

16. Spreading rumors about Harry and Draco's secret love life is not funny.

17. I will not add a spoonful of sugar to each potion I make. Mary Poppins was not a potioneer.

18. I will not tell first years that the best way to study is to stay up all night balancing your textbook on your head, as gravity will cause the information to sink through the skull and into the brain.

19. I will not point to Harry Potter’s scar and ask if his Voldy senses are tingling.

20. I will not organize a “Junior Death Eaters” Training Camp at Hogwarts. I will not hand out medals for hexing Harry Potter, endangering a teacher’s life, or throwing a person from the Astronomy Tower.

21. I will not add "according to the prophecy" at the beginning of all my sentences to raise my Divination grade.

22. I will not refer to the Accio charm as "the Force.”

23. I will not push Professor Flitwick from his stack of books claiming I need them for my studies.

24. I will not spike my best friend’s pumpkin juice and tell him to go hit on Professor McGonagall.

25. When asked a question by a teacher I will not inform them that the answer is protected by a Fidelius Charm and I am not the Secret Keeper.

26. I will not hiss at Harry Potter instead of talking normally.

27. I will not bring a Magic Eight ball to Divination class.

28. I will not organize a witch burning, even if I have been assigned to do a presentation on Muggle history in my Muggle Studies class.

29. I will not tell Oliver Wood that Quidditch has been permanently canceled.

30. I will not bewitch Percy Weasley's prefect badges to yell "I'm in love with myself!" every time it senses movement.

31. I will not to conjure the words "DRINK ME" onto the vial of any potion in Professor Snape's classroom.

32. I will not sign up Hogwarts’ lake for the Summer Olympics swimming competitions.

33. I will not convince first years that the new password to Gryffindor Tower is "Petrificus Totalus" and must be recited with their wands pointed at themselves.

34. I will not use silencing charms on my Prefects.

35. I will not refer to Aragog as “Charlotte.”

36. I will not make fun of Hufflepuffs because their house colors make them look like bumblebees.

37. The giant squid is not an appropriate date for the Yule Ball.

38. I will not suggest that we read coffee beans in Divination instead of tea leaves for a bit of a change.

39. I will not tell everyone that Draco Malfoy started the “Hug a Muggle” campaign.

40. I will not use magic to change test questions into those I can answer.

41. I will not tell Ronald Weasley that his sister was caught snogging any of the following: 1) Draco Malfoy. 2) Any other Slytherin. 3) Michael Corner. 4) Any other Ravenclaw. 5) Zacharias Smith. 6) Any other Hufflepuff. 7) Neville Longbottom. 8) Any other Gryffindor.

42. Asking Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger when they’re getting married is only funny the first few times.

43. I will not lock a few Gryffindors and Slytherins in a room and take bets on who will come out alive.

44. Growing hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology."

45. I will not put a paper sign on Firenze's back saying "Pony Rides: 3 Sickles.”

46. I will not tell Professor Binns that he is dead and a) needs to move on, or b) get a life.

47. "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.

48. I will not start a betting pool on the fate of this year’s Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, as it is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.

49. I will not hand out shirts that say “Potter: 1, Voldemort: 0.”

50. I will not use Legilimency to get homework answers from my teachers.

51. I will not convince the first years that "Death Eaters" is the name for a cookery club specialized in experimental dishes.

52. I will not start a Howler chain-letter saying "your life will be cursed for seven years if you don’t send this to 10 fellow students within 15 minutes."

53. I will not melt if water is poured over me. Neither will Professor Umbridge.

54. Underwater broom riding is not required to become a member of any Quidditch team.

55. The headmaster's name is Albus Dumbledore, not Gandalf.

56. Professor Flitwick’s first name is not Yoda.

57. It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory, no matter how wicked the result would be.

58. Sneaking slugs into Ron Weasley's food is not funny.

59. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that my teacup says she's lying.

60. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

61. I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse, and pretending I do in front of people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover.

62. I will not suggest to first years that they make a treehouse in the Whomping Willow.

63. If I insist on carrying out my plans of producing "Riddle-De-Dee: The Voldemort Musical," I will do so under a pen name.

64. I will not tell Professor Snape to “take a chill pill.”

65. Ravenclaws do not find a sign saying "the library is closed for an indefinite time period" amusing in any sense; neither does Hermione Granger.

66. "42" is not the answer to every question on the O.W.L.s, not even if the boy who’s whispering this to you claims to have heard it from Hermione Granger herself.

67. I will not set Ravenclaws to the task of calculating the exact value of pi.

68. Getting the Sorting Hat drunk only makes his song funny the first time.

69. Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the Hogwarts ghosts and poltergeists.

70. I will not ask Professor Flitwick how Santa Claus is doing.

71. I will not tell Gryffindor first years that sneaking into the Slytherin dormitory is a rite of passage to truly becoming a Gryffindor.

72. I will not ink my owl's feet, have it walk across parchment, and sell the results as cheat sheets for Ancient Runes, even though Crabbe and Goyle keep falling for it.

73. I will not encourage bungee jumping from the Astronomy Tower, nor do it myself, as it is disrespectful of Professor Dumbledore’s memory.

74. I will not shave Mrs. Norris.

75. Using the Engorgio charm on certain parts of the human anatomy is not permitted on the school grounds, not even for entertainment purposes.

76. I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.

77. There is not, nor has there ever been, a fifth House at Hogwarts, and I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.

78. The next time I see Rita Skeeter, I am not to threaten her with a can of Raid.

79. I will not send Professor Snape shampoo for Christmas.

80. A Muggle "vacuum cleaner" is not an acceptable piece of Quidditch equipment, even if it has been enchanted to fly.

81. I will not use first years as holiday decorations.

82. I will not round up and attempt to train a private army.

83. I must stop referring to the professors by the embarrassing nicknames they acquired in their school days.

84. Mrs. Norris does not like playing with Blast-Ended Skrewts.

85. My professors have neither the time nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Sugar Quills.

86. Despite my personal beliefs, Quidditch would not be improved by the addition of Muggle firearms.

87. I will not ask Harry if I can have a lightning-bolt scar too.

88. If Muggle children WANTED their baseballs replaced with Bludgers, they would have said something by now.

89. Sneaking a Snitch down Draco Malfoy’s pants is not acceptable.

90. I will not steal Professor Flitwick’s wand, hold it above his head, and laugh as he tries to reach it.

91. I will not refer to Professor McGonagall as “Cat Woman.”

92. I am not allowed out of my dormitory when officials from the Ministry visit Hogwarts.

93. I will not tell Draco Malfoy to “make like a ferret and bounce.”

94. I will not try to convince Mr. Weasley that Spandex is “in” with Muggles and to blend in he should wear some.

95. Seamus Finnegan is not a leprechaun—nor does he like to be called one.

96. I will not attempt to kiss Trevor.

97. I am not permitted to borrow a hippogriff or thestral without consent from a Hogwarts staff member.

98. I will not ask Lupin if it is “his time of the month.”

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