Harry Potter Funny Stuff

You've probably seen some of these before, but...enjoy!

Chapter 2

HOW TO ANNOY A NON-HARRY POTTER FAN

1. Relate everything they say to the Harry Potter books and/or movies.

2. Say they look like a Harry Potter character of the opposite gender.

3. Quote Dobby.

4. Recite every Harry Potter spell you know in public.

5. Read out loud to them whenever they can't get away from you (example: when in a car or elevator). If you don't have a book with you, recite from memory.

6. Give them Harry Potter merchandise for their birthday and Christmas and demand they keep it and treasure it forever.

7. Rewrite their favorite song with Harry Potter lyrics and sing or hum it constantly.

8. Crowd their inbox with Harry Potter related e-mails and texts and make sure the subjects are misleading.

9. Start singing a Sorting Hat song at random moments, pretend to forget what comes next, and ask if they know.

10. Make them play Quidditch with you.

11. Give them a Harry Potter-related nickname and act mortally offended when they don't know the history of their character.

12. Change your name to that of a Harry Potter character and start screaming when they don't address you as such in public.

13. Always speak with a British accent.

14. Refer to real places by Harry Potter names, and throw a fit if others don’t use these names.

15. Attack them and claim to be under the Imperious Curse.

16. Draw round glasses and lightning bolt scars on every poster and picture you come across… in permanent marker.

17. Give long lectures about how the Prophecy relates to everyday life.

18. Give every room in your house a Harry Potter codename. (Example: the living room becomes the Entrance Hall.) And whenever someone asks you where something is, use these names—don’t forget to change them immediately if anyone figures out what they refer to.

19. Squirt them with water and say that you've mastered the Aguamenti Charm.

20. Constantly ask if they can see the thestrals too…and, if they ask, refuse to explain what a thestral is.

21. Remark on how strangely Muggles dress.

22. Ask, "Anything off the trolley, dear?" in a ridiculously fake British accent when offering anyone food.

23. Pretend you can do magic.

24. Constantly rearrange their furniture and blame it on indecisive house-elves.

25. Yell, "Get away from me, Death Eater!" whenever they get near you.

26. Constantly compare them to Mrs. Figg.

27. Force them to mourn Dumbledore's death.

28. Complain loudly about how your pictures don't move.

29. Whenever you're asked for advice, reply with "three turns should do it" in a very serious voice.

30. Break any awkward silences by saying, "How 'bout them Chudley Cannons?"

31. Claim your friend’s stuff as your Horcruxes and yell at them when they touch whatever it is.


32. Get sticks and claim them as wands. Use them to poke your friends and say incantations while doing so.

33. Use the titles "You-Know-You" and "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named" to refer to random people.

34. Quote Dumbledore.

35. Write letters to people (friends, neighbors…politicians) and ask them to join S.P.E.W. Don’t forget to hand fliers advertising it to random passersby!

36. Throw things in the air and say that you've mastered Wingardium Leviosa.


37. Report Dumbledore's death to your local authorities……and call them repeatedly asking if Percy Weasley is there, hanging up before they can reply.

38. When your friend is checking sports scores, ask if they can find out the score of the latest Quidditch match.

39. Pop up in places you're not supposed to be and insist that you were only trying to Apparate.

40. If you're late for something, blame it on your broken Time Turner.

41. Deck yourself out in Harry Potter gear when you know you'll be going to a public place.

42. Walk past a wall over and over again, stopping randomly to bang on it. When you receive weird stares, shout "What? I'm looking for the Room of Requirement!"

43. Carry around a hip flask and refuse to drink anything anyone offers you.

44. If someone turns off the lights, make a loud cracking noise and pretend to Apparate to the other side of the room.

45. Play the Harry Potter soundtracks while they're stuck in your car, and make sure to add commentary.

46. Potter Puppet Pals, anyone?

47. When one of the movies is on TV, call to remind them…every five minutes.

48. Use black and green markers to draw the Dark Mark on your left forearm.

49. If they ask you about the weather, solemnly say, "Mars is bright tonight."

50. Say, "Alohomora!" every time you open a door.

51. Sort every person you meet into one of the four Houses.

52. Follow them around while acting out a scene from the book doing very annoying voices for all of the characters. Expect them to join in, and act offended when they don't.

53. Count down to some obscure Harry Potter event, whether it's Dumbledore's birthday, or when a Harry Potter DVD comes out. Keep saying: "87 (86, 85, etc.) more days!" in the middle of every conversation you have with your friend. Smile in a superior way (preferably something close to Draco Malfoy’s malevolent grin) when they ask what you're counting down to.

54. Start talking about a deceased Harry Potter character and suddenly burst into hysterical tears. Refuse to be comforted.

55. Hum “Hedwig's Theme” constantly, and be sure to include any crescendos, decrescendos, accents, etc.

56. Ask them to help you study for your O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s.

57. Knit them hats and insist that you're just trying to liberate them.

58. Talk to animals and insist that they're Animagi.

59. Treat them to lunch and then suddenly realize you can't pay for the meal since the restaurant doesn't accept Galleons, Sickles, or Knuts.

60. Run up to random men and scream, "SIRIUS! I always knew you were alive!"

61. Point at modern electronic devices and loudly say, "Look at that! The things these Muggles come up with…"

62. Write letters to the editor of your local newspaper about the evils of our society. (Namely, Death Eaters and discrimination against friendly werewolves).

63. Send them numerous letters informing them that they have been accepted to attend Hogwarts.

64. Carry around a shiny rock and proclaim that you possess the Sorcerer's Stone.

65. Say everything in a sing-song voice like Luna Lovegood.

66. Interrupt every conversation with "Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!"

67. Fake a yawn whenever you see fireworks, claiming that Weasley’s Whiz-Bangs are better.

68. Tap all brick walls you encounter with an umbrella.

69. Say "Lumos" every time you turn on a light.

70. Point and grunt and insist that you are speaking Troll.

71. Refuse to wash your hair and explain that you're going for “the Snape look.”

72. Spend hours at a time trying to get your broom to fly.

73. Invite them over for the night and force them to watch the first three movies with you—and if they leave for any reason, restart the movie and tell them it's the Time Turner scene.

74. Talk like Hagrid.

75. Shriek loudly and insist you're speaking Mermish.

76. If you're asked to retrieve something, shout "Accio!" loudly…and when this doesn’t work, throw a fit.

77. Demand to know what exactly the function of a rubber duck is.

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