The Grammar Witch and the Candor Take On "My Immortal"

From Jackie and Emily's two part series, our commentary on "My Immortal", because as Jackie puts it, "it's summer and we don't need brain cells". So prepare yourself for 44 Chapters of fun/torture/hilarity/pain.

Here is other part of this package (The Grammar Witch and the Candor Take On "Lovestruck")


Chapter 42

“da blak parade”- Emily Argues For The Legalization of The Cruciatus Curse

AN: omg da new book iz kumming out rlly soon I kant wait!!!1111. I fink dat snap will be really the same person as Volximort koz dey are both haff-blood Harry is also a half-blood, and so is Dumbledore, and Lupin, and Tonks, and most wizards actually. So if they’re all the same person, well that’s disturbing. so dat will explain y he kild dumblydore and he hated hairy!!!!!1111 Snape hated Harry because of James and his petty cruelty in school. And he killed Dumbledore because Dumbledore told him too. And Snape also was protecting Harry (yes, it was unusual) because he loved Harry’s mom, Lily. (See, Emily, this is part of the reason why I can’t hate Snape after reading the first book!) Oh crap. (Well, there’s YouTube spoilers and things like that, so it’s not entirely your fault!) nd den hairy wil have 2 kommit suicide so voldimort will die koz he will rilly be a horcrox!!!!!111 omg I hope draco nd harry get 2getha dat will be so shmexxy, wont it?? If dey don’t den JKR is hamophobic!!!!!1 Or maybe she just doesn’t see the reasoning behind that pair. I know I don’t. 11111 fangz 4 da help wiv facts, medusa Athena….you should fix this. u rok!!!111


I sat depressedly in Dumbledork’s office wiv Hedwig, Satan, James, Serious, Snap and Lucian. Dumbledore was sitting in front of us cruelly. He looked more young den he did in da future. He had taken da ipod away and wuz now lizzening 2 a shítty Avril Levine song.

“What da hell is this anyway??” he cackled meanly. I hoped he didn’t find out dat I was frum another time.

“Whatever u do don’t blame Ibony, u jerk.” Satan said.

“Yah, siriusly she was trying to get Satan and Hedwig back together.” Serious said deviantly.

“Be quiet you Satanists.” Dumbledore cockled. “If ur lucky I’ll probably send u all to Akazaban!!! That will teach u to copolate in da Great Hall.” He changed the song on da ipod 2 a n’Sync song. Suddenly I noticed sumfing strong about da Ipod. It was slowly chonging! Dumblydore didn’t notece.

“You fúcking poser.” I muttoned.

“I bet you’ve never herd of GC.” James said. Know I knew waht da iPod was chonging in2- Morti McFly’s tim machine!!!!!11 So I had this dream where bad fanfictions and “literature” was banned. Then I woke up to this.

“Shut up Jomes!!!” Drako’s dad shouted.

“Yeah shut up!!!!” Snake said preppily.

“No u shut up Dumblydore!!!!!!!!1111” said Tom.

“I’ve had enough of u Satanists in my school!!!!” shouted Dumbledore spuriously.

Suddenly I grabed da iPod from him. “Evry1! Jump in b4 itz 2 l8!!! I jumped in2 it. But only 1 odder person jumpd in. It was…(Could it be), could it be …..Satan. Bravo! Long ago, it seems so long ago… (You ruined my Church Lady reference.) Sorry, not sorry. Phantom wins.

“You dunderheads!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111” screamed Dumbledore wisely as we went.

I looked around. I wuz in da Slitherin conmen room wiv Satan. I was wearing a blak plaid Isn't that a prep thing? miniskirt with hot pink fishnetz, a sexy blak MCR corset and blak stiletto boots with pink pentagroms on dem. My earrings were blake Satanist sins and my raven hair was all around me to my mid-black.

“Hey kool where iz dis?” he asked in an emo voice.

“Dis is da future. Dumbeldore’s iPod Muggle electronics don’t work on Hogwarts grounds! Read “Hogwarts: A History” people! dat he tried to take away from me wuz really also a tim machine.” I told him.

“Kool what’s an ipatch? (The answer to a really corny joke involving technology and pirates!) ” he whimpered.

“It’s somefing u use 2 lizzen 2 music.” I yakked.

“OMFG kool wait whatz a 4-letter-wurd 4 dirt?” he esked in his sexah voice.

“Um I guezz sand????” I laid confuesdly.

“Yah I wuz just triinyg to make sure u were stil da same perzon.” (Unfortunately, yes, ladies and gentlemen, we are still stuck with the ridiculous Mary Sue narrator. We apologize for any inconvenience, trauma, or haemolacria this may have caused you.) He triumphently giggled.

Suddenly some of my friends walked in.

“OMG you’re fúcking alive!” Unfortunately said Ginny wearing a blak leather jocket, blak baggy pants and a goffik black Frum First to Last shirt. I explained 2 her why I was alive.

“Konichiwa, bítch.” said Willow. She was wearing a blak corset showing off her boobs with lace all around it and red stipes on it. With it she waz wearing a blak leather miniskirt, big blak boots, white foundation, blak eyeliner, red eyeshadow, and blak lipstick.

“Hey, motherfúcker.” Said Diabolo with his red hair. He waz wearing a black P?ATD t-shrit and blak baggy pants.

“Hey whose that, Ibony?” B’loody Mary questioned as she walked in wearing a black t-shrit with a red pentarom on it with lace at the bottom, red letther (Oh, great, they started it. Red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather, yellow leather, red.) pants with blak lace, and black stolettoes.

“Oh its Satan.” I told her and she nodded knowing da truth.

Suddenly Satan started to cry.

“Are you okay Satan?” we asked concernedly.

“OMFG ur from da future!!1! What if u don’t like m anymore koz were from difrent times?????” he asked.

“No I still like you.” I said sexily to him.

“Ok.” He said ressuredly. I let him lizzen 2 Teenagers by MCR on my ipod while I was about to go outside to find out some fingz. I gave Diabolo a signal to keep Satan occupied. Satan fell asleep. (Wow, Satan is about as easily entertained as a two-year-old. Pacified by an iPod, falls asleep easily, Diabolo’s babysitting him. That’s an interesting quality for your villain: has the attention span and behavior of a toddler.) I took the iPod. I was about to walk outside. Profesor Sinister ran in!!!!!!!1111 She was wearing a gothic blak minidress with depressing blak stripes, white and blak stripped tights, and red converse shoes. She was wearing LOTS of blak iliner.

“Oh my fúcking god, where’s Draco!!!!111 How did Snap get back here!!! I tohot he wuz in Azerbaijan.” I asked sadly.

“Ebony I was so worried abott u but I know you can’t fg die because you’re a vrompire. (Unless someone stakes her!) Snape came back because that girl Britney freed him. I never liked her she was a bad student.” Trevolry said reassuredly. And you’re a terrible teacher.

“That bítch!!!!!!!11 Did she also free Hargrid and Loopin?” I shouted angrily. I hated Britney because she was a fg prep. I actually like Brittany. Favorite character along with the Great Hal...and Socrates. (Yeah, me too. If someone was that much of a jerk to me just because I was supposedly a “prep”, I can’t say I wouldn’t want to get revenge on them either.)

“Yes they are on the loose at this school. Dumblydore is back Cornelia is on his way to help evry1. Tell evry1 u see to lock themselves in their conman room!!!!!!” If I lock myself in my common room can I escape these people…..wait, crap! They’re in my house. Jackie? Can I hide in Ravenclaw? (Yes, just answer me these questions three! Does that count as a riddle?) I don’t care as long as I can get in and hide. (Cool. Just a heads-up: you might want to Google the capital of Assyria and swallows. And you should already know the answer to the ultimate question.) I’m sorry, I used to have brain cells but then this monstrosity came along. Just let me in. (Okay, getting the door.) Thanks! Trevolry said worriedly.

“OK. But where’s Dracko???? How come he was doing it with Snap?????”

“I dunno why but I know he almost tried 2 commit suicide after he saw u almost kill urself.” she said.

“OMG dat’s terrible!!!!!!!!” I gasped. Satan was still asleep, so he couldn’t tell what was going on. Then I said “Lizzen evry1, I have sumthing imptent to do. in hr evry1 stay!!!!!!!!!” wiv dat I ran out.

“Good luck Tara!!!!!!!11” everyone cried.

I ran sexily down the staris in2 da Grate Hall while da portraits (See? Even the artwork screams and trembles in fear of the horrific, unavoidable Mary Sue.) ,around looked at me scaredly. There was hardly ne1 else in the stairs nd tere was an atmosphere of horrer. On da way I saw Britney laughing on da stairs. She was wearing a a slutty pink shirt wiv flowers on it, a blu jean skirt Abercromie and pink stiletoos. That doesn’t sound slutty. She looked jest like a pentagram of those fúcking preps Hilery Duff and Lindsey Lohan.

“You fúcking bítch!!!!!111” I shouted angrily.

“No, your totally a bítch. Now Voldemort will like totally kill u!” she laughed.

“Crucious!!!!!!!!!1” It’s crucio. I shouted selectively pontificating my blak wand and she started screaming koz she was being tortured and I laughed sodistically. (Yes, because torturing a fellow student is so important.) Depends on the student really. (Emily!) What, I make certain allowances depending on the person. Some people I wouldn’t hesitate to use the cruciatus curse on. And for others, at least seriously consider it. (We are so awful. Especially you. I haven’t threatened to murder a classmate yet.) I’m sorry. Is this a bad thing? I think it suits me fabulously. Now if only it wasn’t illegal….then we could have fun. (See, this is where you write your own story and make characters based on the people you hate and be sadistic to them.) Um, well I worked on an Harry Potter Scenario and I brutally hex/jinx/curse Keanan in a very unfair duel. Unfortunately, there was a howler. (Which one was that?) Hasn’t come out yet. I’ll show it to you later. (That awkward moment where Jackie and Emily can’t shut up and their commentary swallows up the original horrible fanfiction.) That’s a bad thing? (Emily, I’m not done talking! To the audience: You’re welcome for that and you should give us a raise.) Or make the cruciatus curse legal. Either one works. (To the audience: I’m the smart one, listen to me! Give us a raise.) I’m smart too! I’ll use it for good! (Emily, Purge Day is not a good cause!) Well I’m not killing them you see, only causing pain. And yes it is, I’m ridding the world of idiots. (Not if you’re only torturing them, you’re not! Besides, that’s what the wolves and large predators are for. Gary Larson’s words, not mine.) Look, I can’t even hide from them in my own common room. It’s on. The Mary-Sue needs to go.

“No!!!!!!1 Help me!!!!!!1 Please!!!!!!!!1” Britney screamed terrifiedly.

I put up my middle finger at her. In her hand I saw da video camera Snape and Lumpin had used to take da video of me. I put the tape of Voldimort doing it with Hedwigg onto it. Then I continued to rown down the stairs with the camera. When I had reached da Grate Hall I saw Vampire Potter. “OMG Vampira!!!!111” I yielded.

We hugged each udder (So the Mary Sue’s a cow now?) Moooo happily. He locked at me wif his gothic red eyes and spiky blak hair. Around them were blak eyeliner and iShadow New from Apple: the Gothic electronic eyeshadow. Order yours today! . His He wus wearing a blak leather Jackson, ledder pants, a Panik at da Disko concert shirt and his blak congress shoes. He looked mor like Joel from Good Charlote than ever. (did u hear der song da river it rox!!!1)“I wus so worried you died!” moaned Vampire.

“I know but Im a vampire lol. When I woke up I wuz back in 1980, so neway I bought Voldimort from when he was yung with me.”

“Where’s Draco?” I asked spuriously.

“Draco? You mean that fng poser who betroyed you?” Vampir snarkled with anger in his sexy voice.


“I’ll do it den.” Harry said angstily.

“OK.” I argreed. Suddenly……….all da lights in da room went out. And den…….da Dork Mark appeared.

“Oh my fúcking satan!!!!!” Harry shouted. She used his name!

“I fink Voldimort has arrivd.” I sed anxiously. “Fúck, I have to find Draco!!1 I guess we shood separate.”

“Ok.” Vampire And it’s gone… sed diapperating. Sadly I ran into the Great Hall.

Skip to Chapter


© 2020 Polarity Technologies

Invite Next Author

Write a short message (optional)

or via Email

Enter Quibblo Username


Report This Content