Chapter 1


i've always had a strange obsession with words.
when i was three years old i learnt the word "yesterday,"
and i repeated it over and over and over again until the word dissolved into butterflies on my tongue.
and when i was six i learnt how to say "cacophony,"
and used it to impress my teacher when i was seven and to befuddle my classmates when i was eight.
words are my forte;
always have been, always will be.
but there are some instances in which every word in my head disappears,
and i don't know how to tell you that every word you speak sends a sandstorm raging in my stomach,
how every time i hear your name i swallow a tablespoon of salt like a shot glass filled with water
and feel every syllable scrape against the sides of my throat and settle in my ribcage.
you can drink and drink and drink until every memory of the previous night has been chased out of your body after the contents of your stomach,
but i don't know if you have yet to figure out that you can't drink a whole person out of your system.
you used those words that i like so much and told me that i meant "the world" to you,
but i still can't figure out why you would throw litter in the veins of the world's oceans,
i still don't know why you threw toxic waste on every part of the world that you could lay your hands on,
i still amn't sure why you insisted upon melting the world's ice walls that were protecting it,
and you're still causing earthquakes on the world even though you fecked off to
a whole other planet.

i am sorry i'm not her.
i am sorry i never was her.
i am sorry i can never be her.

all i can ask is that you try to be gentle when you are ripping me apart.


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