Why/Why Not

Chapter 1


you have this habit of always asking me why i love you.
sweetheart, it's been over a year and i still don't have a valid answer to that question.
i don't know why i love you. honestly, i think a better question would be
how could i not.

it's impossible not to fall in love with the first person who does not treat you like a hurricane,
who does not tiptoe around you like a storm.
my friends whisper when they talk to me, as though i were a graveyard,
but you scream like you're skydiving and the exhilaration is too much.
you make my hands shake and my pulse race,
and everyone says that this is a bad sign,
but i don't believe that because lately you are the only one who makes me feel alive.
sometimes when i'm talking to you i wonder if we could ever have the power to control weather,
or the oceans,
or the skies,
and i want to be able to mold patterns and winds and currents with my hands like an ancient deity.
and the dust dances through the sunlight like an angel cast out of heaven,
but humans only use 10% of their brains,
so what if i could control that other 90%,
what would happen,
could i make the dust dance irish jigs up and down the walls,
perform ballets across the kitchen floor,
form a conga line into it's own destruction.
because we, me and you, we are painful, we are destructive, we are beautiful.
maybe we are angels, maybe we are demons, maybe we are simply lost children.
i don't know which story i prefer.
sweetheart, you'd lose your mind trying to understand me, so quit while you're ahead,
but i feel like i have a duty to explain to the world that sadness is only beautiful when you're happy,
but you are beautiful all the goddamn time,
and from how people talk, i'm getting the feeling that love isn't supposed to hurt,
but it has for me every f♥cking time.

i love you because deep down, i think a part of me must love hurting,
and loving you is sitting on the floor of a burning shower,
screaming "sh♥t" into the tiles with mascara running down my face and all over the floor.
i love you because you're like a drug and all i want to do is overdose.
i love you because i am all teeth and legs and for some reason you don't see that.
i love you because when i think of you my arteries explode and my veins implode and because i had to teach you the basics of the circulatory system and the renaissance and because i can't stop and because i've never found a good enough reason to.

why do i love you?
oh, sweetheart.
why ever not?


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