The Real Me

Chapter 1

The Real Me

people always ask me questions that if not answered the right way would mean that i'm depressed.
I have heard them all
i tell the right answers
i go along
i pretend that i'm ok
like that i don't cry myself to sleep
like that i don't feel unwanted
like that if i were to lie down right here and die right now
no one would notice
i'm not suicidal
so i don't tell them that i'm depressed
i blame it on being tired
i blame it on everything i can
because i dont want to be remembered as the depressed girl who couldnt get on with her life
that couldn't get her life in order
that couldnt move on
do you feel like you're stuck?
i say no but think yes
do you feel alone?
i say no but think yes,
i play the game
i play along
i act like nothings wrong
because i dont want to lose my friends
to lose the trust and friendships that took so long to build up
to lose it all
i already feel like i'm losing my mind
i hear voices in my head
thoughts that are not even mine
i get light headed and dizzy easily
i play along and walk through the pain
play along the best i can
get to the next day
it will be over by tomorrow
i tell myself that every day
its never true
but i tell it to myself anyway
if it wasn't for my two closest friends
i wouldn't have gotten this far
they support me
they care for me
they build me up
they dont even know that they do this
they just don't try to be fake
like the rest of the world
like me
and i've been told
that one of the biggest reasons they like me is because i seem real
but thats a lie
and they don't know
and i don't tell them
because i'm afraid
of what they will think
if they knew the real me
so i hide
behind faceless gestures
behind long long lashes
and the ashes of my old self
have been blown away
that care free girl is gone
shes been gone for 5 years now
people come and go
life goes on
but im still here
hidden in the stone shell
that is all that is left
of my old self.

I wrote this awhile ago...somethings haven't changed, but mostly things are better, but every now and then i come back to this and remember just how far i've come. I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me with all his heart, Im becoming more close with my family, and even if those two people aren't in my life anymore, they helped me through alot. im no longer depressed and am becoming alot healthier, if you need any help once-so-ever, just email me by the email in the tags


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