Hating Myself

Chapter 1

this is all true.

if you know me well
you know that i cry
a lot.

over nearly anything
over nearly everything
cry, cry, cry.

i don't know what that says about me
it'd be kinda interesting to know
i guess

but last night
after he went to sleep
after my heart was ripped from its bounds
after he thought i was okay
after he was miserable
after he told me that i'm too much
after everything
i bawled.

i don't think "crying" is an appropriate word choice
it means "to weep with or without sound"

i don't think "sobbing" is an appropriate word choice
it means "to weep with catching of the breath"

"bawling" is the only word that can come close
it means "to cry or wail lustily"
synonymous with "howl" and "yowl"

my body rocked with each choked sob
i wailed into my pillow so i would not be heard
i was shaking
full of hatred for myself

i did this.
i ended my happiness.
i did this to him.
i made him miserable.
i did this to us.
i broke the trust in our relationship.

i woke up with a killer headache this morning
maybe it was from the sobbing
maybe it was from the screaming
maybe it was from the hour i spent writing to him
maybe i'm slowly being driven insane

i love this boy so much
i stay up until 2 AM talking to him
all night, every night
i spent midnight to 1 AM last night writing to him

i wrote my final goodbye

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