This is for you, wherever you are.

Chapter 1

.....

i was alone in my room when the call came,
and i saved the date and time on my phone so that every year i could be reminded that at 6:27 PM on november the tenth
i heard the news that turned the silence into a black hole so deafening that it explained why no one could hear me screaming.

i don't remember a lot after that,
i just remember the flashing images;

i) standing in the factory as they pulled the last of you from the machine,
you blood coating the floor and later my bedroom walls as i had somehow ended up with it all over my hands and knees.

ii) your mother sobbing in the emergency room,
her arms wrapped around herself as if she was trying to hold the pieces of herself together so she wouldn't fall apart like you did,
and me wondering why we were in a hospital
when your body was in pieces and there was no way you were alive anyway.

iii) lying in a bed that wasn't my own that night
because it's gotten to the point that the only place i know where to find comfort is in someone else's bedsheets.

iv) waking up this morning;
or should i say "waking up" this morning,
because i didn't actually sleep for thought of your face and the feeling of your hand against my back
and your fingers in my hair
and

v) i miss you already.

and you always told me that i shouldn't smoke,
yet here i am,
with the last pack of cigarettes that you ever gave me,
and the last you will ever give me,
my hands fumbling over a lighter because they don't seem to remember how to work anymore,
and for some reason the sky looks brighter tonight,
and i think it's because you're somehow reminding the stars how to shine.

at least, that's what you always did for me.

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