Chapter 1


have you ever woken up with that rancid taste in your mouth
that doesn't go away,
and it feels like every secret you hold rotting in your gut has crawled up your throat,
settled itself on your tongue,
and lay there as it decomposed.

this morning i woke up and it felt like that;
but instead of secrets, my words resided rotting in my throat,
and i have not had the energy to cough any of them out all day.
my stomach aches with each convulsive twist of my gut,
and all i can think about is how much i ate today
and how many calories is that
and how many carbs is that
how much protein
how much fat?
it's not even that i particularly care, to be honest.
i just have this aching need to shove every single memory that i have out of my head.
and this morning i felt like i had a fever,
because every thought in my head was burning red hot
and i forgot my inhibitions and i thought i was saying something legitimate,
but when i turned and looked at the people around me,
several were slowly shaking their heads;
as though they could not decide whether to be annoyed or disappointed.

i still think about it and i still think about what he looked like and it's been about a month
(24 days, 2 hours, 14 minutes)
and it's only just now hitting me
and i don't know about you, but this morning i couldn't remember how to breathe
and did you know that when i found out, i burned all of my writing -
did you know that people like to tell me that my words do more harm than good,
and i f♥ck people up,
and every word i utter seems to be a trigger of some kind,
and everything i say is a bullet in the mouth of people who triggered into oblivion -
i still remember every word that got caught in my throat.
i remember every time that i stuttered or mumbled or slowed down
and i remember every word i said that tore apart friendships because i tried to say one thing and something else came out.

i'msorryi'msorryi'msorryi'msorry i don't know what's wrong with me i just can't talk without my voice cracking and my lungs giving up on me and i'm sorry


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