Chapter 1

Happy topics....

So, we were talking about suicide and depression in my health class today. I, for one, have been both depressed and suicidal. As we were talking about risk factors and symptoms of depression and suicide, I started feeling sick. I identified with a lot of the way suicide victims feel.

My best friend is in my health class with me. I trust her with everything. We click on every level. But what she said today about suicide is unsettling.

We were discussing suicide victims, and the percentage of attempts to commits. She piped up, "You know, I feel like suicide is the insensitive, coward's way out. If one of my good friends ever committed suicide, I would wonder what I did wrong. Was I not a good enough friend? Did I fail?" and others in the classroom were nodding their heads. My face was burning. This is the exact reason why I haven't told her I've been suicidal. She would put it on me if I were to attempt; she would say it's my fault for not telling her.

Has she not even picked up on the signs?

I'm crying at school, skipping lunch, I'm not sleeping. I skip lunch with her and she listens to me while I cry. I can't sleep, I can't close my eyes and find peace. And she just tells me that I'm too sensitive. She doesn't understand.

It was just very upsetting, to me, at how insensitive she was. And I understand that she's never been suicidal, or depressed. She's never had any reason to be. But me, someone who is still fighting to escape their depression, is still trying to maintain my transient scrap of self-worth. And listening to how she felt about those who are suicidal definitely confirmed that I will never trust her with any kind of information that I could harm myself if I drove myself to do it.

I was just absolutely shocked. I thought she would have had more sympathy. And honestly, I used to think that suicide was cowardly, too. I thought that people should just be able to get over their issues and become happy again. Now, I know that it definitely isn't that easy. So I understand where she's coming from. I just thought I'd share this with you all, and see what ya think.


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