The Theory of Forgiveness

Chapter 1

....

The theory of forgiveness states that forgiveness has four layers,
Four elements;
Four reasons why I must continue to glance at your braided blue eyes, your tangled, curly face,
Four fences that I just can't overcome.

These fences aren't fences,
They're cages,
Or should I say walls,
Walls of a cage.
But I am on the outside and while I am free,
While I may roam the earth,
I'm lonely,
Lonely as can be.

i) Screaming.
Body shaking, heart pumping.
Accusations: hurt them like they hurt you,
Break every part of them,
Leave them in pieces.
Unintelligible shrieks make more sense,
It's you who understands but it's them who will drown in your tidal waves,
That's what you wanted, right?
Or let them down gently,
Just squeeze the air out of their lungs like a balloon,
Write them a letter with your own blood for ink,
Sketch out your very own demons,
Show them their monsters,
Show them they're monsters.
But I kept quiet.

ii) Catching the concept.
Sweetheart, no matter how painful,
No matter how enraging,
Just promise me this:
Don't let them drown you,
Don't let their cold stares freeze you,
Don't let it fly without a vindication;
Without an explanation.
Don't grant the pardon so forcefully,
Don't back down without firing a few rounds,
Don't throw clemency around like it's scratch,
And don't play the game of "this is why I hate you,"
Because it all comes back to you.
But I kept quiet.

iii) Rebuild the raft;
Repair your castle,
But do not build a wall and then,
Do not try to hang yourself exposed.
Do you know that nowhere's under siege?
And nobody needs you?
If you're not safe, you're nobody, so hurry up and grab a weapon,
Before it all comes crumbling down.
"It won't happen again," they'll say.
But sweetheart, don't accept any less than worship,
Any less than you're worth.
Stand tall and proud like you should and
Scream from the highest turret, "I still love you!"
But I kept quiet.

iv) Bury the bloody hatchet already.
Never breathe another word and let it die,
Like you once did.
Let it burn like the ashes in your eyelid.
You are the jailer;
You hold the keys.
You can lock yourself in or out;
Up or down,
Smile or frown.
Lively or lonely;
Lonely as can be.
And hell,
I've even seen a grin creep across the victim's face,
Because they have all the power.
Just like you should, sweetheart.
But I kept quiet.

I bet you can guess,
I locked myself out.

Cages smother you;
I can't breathe,
I can't fÏ…cking breathe.
The walls are plastic anyway,
They just fall away like every good memory of you.
I should start wearing sunglasses,
Like the sun,
My eyes hurt when I look at you too long.
You'll just hurt me again like the thought of you does.
Oh, how it pulls me under,
How the cage is killing me,
Now I am bleeding,
Bleeding from my mind,
Bleeding from my breath,
Bleeding from my words.
Yet I miss the scarlet storm you seem to rage.

But somehow I'll forgive you anyway,
For it's myself I cannot pardon.

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