I'm (not) Sorry

Because, yeah, I'm crying and this poem came to my head

Chapter 1

....

that moment when you burst out crying, but no one knows why you're unhappy
sad
upset
inconsolable
morbid
in you own world

3 days i've been sitting quietly
1 at school
1 at a friends
1 at my own house

because the mere fact that i'm going to be judged as soon as i step foot into the world of the apparently wonderful, beautiful, blissful, society that i'm meant to call humane; i'm terrified.
i'm not terrified of having no friends
not terrified of anyone
not even terrified of anything

i'm terrified of my own existence
i'm terrified of what i'm going to become if i interact with the other creatures of humanity
don't get me wrong, some are fabulous
but others... just no.

i talked to my friend's boyfriend's friend about my troubles, he said "fake smile, don't let them know you're hurting, don't let them know that they phase you"
pftt like they care

why don't i just die, right?
wrong.
i'm scared to die.
but i'm scared to live.

don't go all defensive in the comments about how my life 'isn't half as bad as yours' or i need to 'grow up', because you don't know me

people ask me why i don't talk to others
i respond with i don't hear them because my music is too loud in my earphones.
but i don't think that's cutting it.
hell, my Japanese teacher even asked me whether i was ok, or if i needed help to be happier.
she's my favourite teacher


the truth is;
i just hate my hole appearance
personality, eyes, hair, voice, clothes, everything


others seem so perfect
i seem so glum

so why did i burst out crying?
why am i writing this while my keyboard is wet?
why aren't i wiping the mascara that's run down my cheeks off?

because i'm in an empty house where my mum won't invite me anywhere because i'm her most imperfect daughter and she'd rather spend time with my other sister. because she's lighter then me.




could be a rant.
could be a poem.
but i'm not bothered to name it because hardly anyone will read it.

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