A Poem to My Future Spouse

TW: Deals with a lot of self-harm talk.

Constructive criticism is always welcomed! I really hope that you like this, and feel free to leave a comment! This is the first time that I've ever written a poem in this type of styling, so any critiques or ideas on how to improve would be greatly appreciated. ♥

Chapter 1

TW: Self-Harm Mention

by: Marfabu
what i mean when i say that:

I) when you touch me, my skin turns to ash
is that when you touch me
the darkness in me stills just long enough so that i can feel alive again
like my mom says i did when i was younger and laughter still bubbled against my lips as
some form of a natural reaction to every situation
and the anger in my veins planted there by the sins of other
stills
just long enough for me to breathe with you and feel nothing more than this moment of
ecstasy
euphoria
elation
and those are just the e's

what i mean when i say that:

II) i want you to stop
is not that i want you to stop touching me in places that have never been grazed by someone like you
someone pure
ethical
mature
but that i want you to stop touching me like i am fragile
to stop leaving kisses against the scars that litter my body that i hate so much
because it is not romantic
and it is not cute
because the touches whisper my twelve-year-old thoughts of anger towards people that weren't me
the anger that i couldn't echo to them so i whispered it against my veins with the feeling of
not a blade
but a f♥cking pink razor
and to this day i fear shaving my legs because i might go too deep again and the blood might not stop
and that is not how i want to go:
a picture painted in blood against the cold bathroom tile floor with a towel wrapped around my waist.
but my fingers were worse
because they touched those marks when they were wounds and picked them off until they
scarred
bruised
and to this day i am still left with the remnants of self-mutilation and the days where i couldn't find God
so i abandoned him against my wrists

what i mean when i say that:

III) i don't want children
is not that i don't want to have s♥x with you
or that i do not love you enough to crave to produce someone who looks like me but has your eyes
someone who is the best of both of us
but that i cannot bear the thought of having a child who grows up
and whispers to themself at night that they are a
worthless
basket-case
who has no meaning
a human who doesn't belong to this planet
or to me or to you
because they are too foreign
too ugly
too this or too that
like i did when i was as old as them
and i do not want them to see the scars that you try to kiss and will away with the promise that they're beautiful
because maybe this someone who looks like me but has your eyes will see my scars with those eyes
and think that they can do that to themself when they feel low
because mom did it
because she still does it sometimes
and i do not want them to crave the feeling of living and mistake it with the feeling of wanting to die
because i have been the product of loss and regret for so many years and i will not let our child be that way too

what i mean when i say that

IV) i love you
is not that you mean a lot to me
but that because of you i am able to wake up in the morning
make breakfast
shower
brush my teeth
shave my legs without cutting too deep
and that without you i don't know where i'd be or who i'd be
i don't know how i would have gotten through this
how i could have fought the hardest days of my life without the promise of your existence
and the promise of you meeting me and me meeting you and getting to kiss you
and even though i'm still in the process of hating myself
i'm going to learn to love myself because i know that it won't take a lot for me to love you
but i just hope that you can learn to love me, too

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