becoming unimportant

Chapter 1

........

it comes really really suddenly.
a bolt straight out of the blue, it knocks you to the ground,
empties all the air out of your lungs,
leaves you with bruises all down the left side of your chest that you think probably mark the points where your heart is breaking.
in one instant you are hit with the realisation that you are no longer the priority.

you will spend what feels like a lifetime waiting for a response,
days clouding over with a constant veil of emptiness as you constantly wonder "but did he get the message,"
all of your interactions defined by a paragraph from you,
punctuated by a one-word response from him,
a one-word response that feels like a kick to the throat,
a one-word response that riddles your body with the cancer of the abandonment that you can feel coming because, let's face it, it always does.
any attempt at interaction falls short,
dropping from your lips through the black chasm of empty space between you,
echoing back in his voice but somehow sounding emptier than ever,
bouncing off his vocal chords in an abruptness so heavy that you trip backwards over your own feet back down your own rabbit hole into the world he promised he'd dragged you out of for good.

and all of a sudden, you are the loneliest person in the world all over again.

and this is what happens, isn't it?
you drift apart over time;
you don't fight, and everything seems fine but it seems like he doesn't give a sh♥t anymore,
and you start going for walks at three in the morning in the middle of december without a jacket again,
and you start punching walls to distract yourself from the aching in your muscles and the sharp pain in your chest,
and you start wondering why you'd thought this feeling wouldn't come back because
hasn't everyone always been full of empty promises?

so what if he promised he'd never let you feel alone again?
it doesn't make any difference;
because here you are, crying to journal pages,
and where is he?
who the f♥ck knows?

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